Unhook From What Doesn’t Deliver
There’s a very interesting post by Jeff Flemmings at http://the3six5.posterous.com/may-12-2010-jeff-flemings. He says his main New Year’s resolution this year is to “invest emotional energy only where it will be reciprocated and multiplied. Vigorously sticking to this resolution so far has made my life a lot better.”
He writes:
“I finally realized I was investing myself in people and activities that are incapable of repaying me. Hell, they couldn’t even acknowledge my contribution. I embraced this insight and put all that thankless stuff on the proverbial back burner. That burner is now on a tiny Sterno stove located in a thicket not yet mapped by Google.”
Focusing time and attention ONLY where there is positive payback is a powerful idea. Even just paying attention to what does and does not deliver can be a game-changer. I’m not suggesting you jettison every relationship and project that doesn’t “adequately” pay you back; this is not an organizing principle for every corner of your life.
But even just asking the question, “Is this a good investment of my time and energy?” can support you in being more intentional and effective with your time, that most precious of resources.
Eliminating even one non-productive focus can provide a powerful boost.
One arena where this can be extremely powerful is in how you manage your thoughts: what you allow yourself to dwell on. Here are some examples.
- One of my clients was stuck in the mindset of “I haven’t accomplished enough in my life.” She felt so flattened by this all-pervasive, self-imposed verdict that she was unable to work effectively or to enjoy doing any of the other activities that nourish her. When she temporarily allowed herself to focus on her next step as an amateur musician, deciding what to play in an upcoming group concert, the very act of engagement dispelled the black cloud and she was once again an active participant in her life. She had unhooked, for now, from this particular negativity.
- Recently, I did something that inadvertently offended someone and made her angry with me. I was horrified and appalled. I apologized and did the best I could to clean it up. I made mental notes about what I’d learned. My old pattern would have been to obsess over this for days and weeks, to berate myself for my bad judgment, and so on. Or to use Jeff’s terms, to invest emotional energy where no good would come of it. But this time I handled myself differently. I asked myself if there was anything else I needed to do to make it right with this person. The answer: no. SO . . . I worked with myself to focus elsewhere whenever my mind brought me back to the topic. It wasn’t perfect, but I suffered less than I usually do in similar situations. Which gave me more energy and opportunity to focus in more positive directions and be more effective in my life.
Looking for a way to apply this idea? Try this:
1. Notice when you are investing emotional energy in a project, person, or thought that drains you rather than energizes you or leaves you neutral. How would you recognize it? When engaged with this project, person, or thought, you might feel sluggish, paralyzed, discouraged, or angry, as distinct from how you feel with other projects/people/thoughts.
2. Ask yourself is there’s any action you need to take. If so, take the action as soon as you can. If not, go directly to step 3.
3. As soon as possible, make yourself focus elsewhere. If it’s an obsessive thought, find something else just as intense but not so negative. If it’s a project or person, tear yourself away asap and engage with another person or project that’s more positive.
Don’t expect yourself to have world-class skills in this arena right away. Be patient with your own learning curve. Small victories are the way to go.
If this is an entrenched pattern for you that you would like some help with, consider a short round of focused coaching. Contact me to investigate this option.
