Work-Life Sanity Blog

I learned how to cycle long distances few years ago when I was training for a charity ride that covered 170 miles over 2 days. 

One of the most powerful strategies I learned pertained to hill climbing.  Here’s what I learned.  While riding up a steep hill, don’t look at the top of the hill: it will overwhelm, frighten, and discourage you.  Stay focused on the immediate challenge: this pedal stroke, followed by the next pedal stroke, and so forth.  And notice the very local scenery: “Huh, that looks like wild Morning Glories growing there” or “Looks like gravel up ahead.”

This Hilltop Rule applies off the road as well.

When you’re working your way out of a demoralizing work backlog, stay focused on the tasks and goals for this week.  Don’t keep looking at the whole heartbraking list - ignore that hilltop - and stay focused on the immediate work at hand. 

If you’re managing a project that has 3000 moving parts and you become paralyzed every time you think about all that still lies ahead, stop thinking about all that lies ahead: think about this week’s work.  

This is not to say don’t step back regularly and survey the big picture.  You certainly want to be sure you’re going up the right hill.  You also need to revisit your time line and resource projections on a regular basis. But not every hour.  Not even every day. 

Some people need to view the hilltop regularly to get re-inspired: “It’s not about doing the (lengthy and ho-hum) calculations for this proposal, it’s about landing this contract and taking the kids to Disney World this year!”  “Yeah, the road is rough but this reasearch is making a difference in how  lymphoma is treated.”

But mostly, stick with the pedal strikes.  That’s how work gets done.   Cumulatively, the pedal strokes add up.  Miles are covered.  And every now and then there’s a downhill segment - enjoy it when you get one! 

The downhill road can be very bumpy, and the dappled sunlight makes it hard to see the potholes too far ahead.  So slow down enough to stay safe.  Keep your wits about you.  Don’t stop doing your due diligence.  You can still enjoy a downhill ride even with your brakes lightly engaged. 

• When riding up a steep hill, ignore the hilltop.
• Stay focused on the road immediately in front of you.

What it boils down to is learning to to recognize when we are running on empy, to NOTICE IT, to identify it as a valid cue, and then to do something about it.  This requires remembering that being completely fried is not a healthy state of being on any level, and it’s our responsibility to ourselves (and to all the people and projects that depend on us) to get UN-fried.  To replenish, restore, recharge, renew . . . so that we can once again live our best life, which includes doing good work, having good relationships, and experiencing some level of happiness and well-being.

“Time off” doesn’t have to be a luxurious 8 days completely out of the office with no checking email, like I took the last week of June.  Time off can be dinner with a friend, reading a novel over the course of a month, or stepping away from your work for a moment to feel the ground under your feet and take a couple of deep breaths. 

I’m currently in the midst of a growth-and-learning episode with this dynamic, learning it at the next level.  I passed Time Off the Treadmill 303 some time ago, but this is Time off the Treadmill 400, and it’s challenging.  I’ve apparently been running on empty.  I only know this because I am CRAVING more time off, even after taking some very high quality time off last month. 

This is unusual for me.  I’m usually a cheap date when it comes to taking time off.  I can’t remember ever wanting as much time off as I have this summer.  I am choosing to trust that this is a real and valid need, and I am allowing myself much more time off than usual.

My oldest behavior, from years ago, was to respond to wanting time off by berating myself for being so unmotivated, grabbing myself by the collar, and saying to myself with authority, “Get back to work.”  And I did.  (Though I came to see, ultimately, that in that state, my work was inefficient and uninspired.)

My newer behavior illustrates some of what I’ve learned (over oh-so-many iterations):
    a. to notice without judgement my experience of desiring time off
    b. to consider it valid
    c. to investigate how soon I can responsibly take some time off,  and do it 

So I’m taking another week off in August. My business is generally quieter in the summer months than during the year because there’s less training and keynoting.  In past summers I’ve used this “quiet time” to do more writing, catch up on back office work, and develop marketing plans for the coming year.  I’m not going there now.  I’m just allowing myself the time off the track. 

While taking this much time off is out of my comfort zone, it has felt so compellingly right that I am choosing to have no doubts about it.  I have questions, such as when will I catch up on all this back office work?  I allow myself to tolerate having no answer for that.  My inner “Driven Woman” is hungrily, greedily, hopefully wondering if this “fallow” period will give rise to a new book.  I’ve learned to just let her do her thing but not let her dominate the conversation. 

I recognize that as a self-employed person I can take time off more easily than an employed person, but then again there are costs to it, such as not getting paid for vacation days.  So please don’t use my self-employed status as a way to disregard what I’m saying here: “Well sure, SHE can take time off because she works for herself, but I can’t just do that, so I’m blowing off everything she says because her situation is just so totally different from mine.”

There is always a way to take some time off, whether it’s a day or an hour or a minute.  So if you too are craving some time off, find a way to take some!

Lower a standard, re-negotiate an agreement, take a vacation day or a vacation, get some help with a project so you can create more open space for yourself, eliminate some non-priority items from your master list — whatever it take, get what you need. 

If you don’t need time out right now, remember this for when you do.  And enjoy your current state of not having this need!

Here is a simple summary of what I’ve been saying.  I’m calling it The Fallow Law:

The Fallow Law:

• Being completely fried is not a healthy state.

• Like letting a field go fallow regularly to keep it fertile and healthy, you have to give yourself time off in order to stay creatively fertile and emotionally healthy, both of which are precursors to living your best life.

I hope you will use it to support yourself in getting un-fried when you need to. 

If you find that you consistently do not replenish, restore, recharge, or renew . . . perhaps a short round of coaching is in order.  It’s possible that what’s called for are bigger structural changes than you have been willing to look at until now.  It’s also possible that more regular time off the track is all that you need.  Whatever it is that keeps you from getting what you need, I encourage you to take a stand for yourself and get some help.

There’s a very interesting post by Jeff Flemmings at  http://the3six5.posterous.com/may-12-2010-jeff-flemings.  He says his main New Year’s resolution this year is to “invest emotional energy only where it will be reciprocated and multiplied.  Vigorously sticking to this resolution so far has made my life a lot better.”

He writes:
“I finally realized I was investing myself in people and activities that are incapable of repaying me. Hell, they couldn’t even acknowledge my contribution. I embraced this insight and put all that thankless stuff on the proverbial back burner. That burner is now on a tiny Sterno stove located in a thicket not yet mapped by Google.”

Focusing time and attention ONLY where there is positive payback is a powerful idea.  Even just paying attention to what does and does not deliver can be a game-changer.  I’m not suggesting you jettison every relationship and project that doesn’t  “adequately” pay you back; this is not an organizing principle for every corner of your life. 

But even just asking the question, “Is this a good investment of my time and energy?” can support you in being more intentional and effective with your time, that most precious of resources.     

Eliminating even one non-productive focus can provide a powerful boost. 
One arena where this can be extremely powerful is in how you manage your thoughts: what you allow yourself to dwell on.  Here are some examples.

• One of my clients was stuck in the mindset of “I haven’t accomplished enough in my life.” She felt so flattened by this all-pervasive, self-imposed verdict that she was unable to work effectively or to enjoy doing any of the other activities that nourish her.   When she temporarily allowed herself to focus on her next step as an amateur musician, deciding what to play in an upcoming group concert, the very act of engagement dispelled the black cloud and she was once again an active participant in her life.  She had unhooked, for now, from this particular negativity.
• Recently, I did something that inadvertently offended someone and made her angry with me.  I was horrified and appalled.  I apologized and did the best I could to clean it up.  I made mental notes about what I’d learned.  My old pattern would have been to obsess over this for days and weeks, to berate myself for my bad judgment, and so on.  Or to use Jeff’s terms, to invest emotional energy where no good would come of it.   But this time I handled myself differently.  I asked myself if there was anything else I needed to do to make it right with this person.  The answer: no.   SO . . . I worked with myself to focus elsewhere whenever my mind brought me back to the topic.  It wasn’t perfect, but I suffered less than I usually do in similar situations.  Which gave me more energy and opportunity to focus in more positive directions and be more effective in my life. 

Looking for a way to apply this idea?  Try this: 

1. Notice when you are investing emotional energy in a project, person, or thought  that drains you rather than energizes you or leaves you neutral.  How would you recognize it?  When engaged with this project, person, or thought, you might feel sluggish, paralyzed,  discouraged, or angry, as distinct from how you feel with other projects/people/thoughts.

2.  Ask yourself is there’s any action you need to take.  If so, take the action as soon as you can.  If not, go directly to step 3.

3. As soon as possible, make yourself focus elsewhere.  If it’s an obsessive thought, find something else just as intense but not so negative.  If it’s a project or person, tear yourself away asap and engage with another person or project that’s more positive. 

Don’t expect yourself to have world-class skills in this arena right away.  Be patient with your own learning curve.  Small victories are the way to go.  

If this is an entrenched pattern for you that you would like some help with, consider a short round of focused coaching.   Contact me to investigate this option.

I had a very rich experience recently.  I was visiting my then-8-week-old grandson at his home in Philadelphia.  I had almost two whole weekdays (just the days, not the evenings) as his sole caretaker.   It was a gift to have this much time with him. 

For me, much about this experience was remarkable.  First, I had cleared my plate completely and was able to be undivided in my attention to him.  My clients knew I was checking email and phone only in the evening, and I was otherwise on vacation from my professional life.  I had no meals to prepare, no errands to run, no one really expecting anything from me.  Life was very simple: it was just about the baby.  And there was no rush.

When my own children were little, even when I was working part-time, even when I knew enough with my second baby to take some maternity leave, there were always competing demands for my attention: my work, the house, meals, my husband, the other child, etc.  

Spending this time with my grandbaby, I had no competing demands, and there was no need to be in a hurry.

What a joyful experience — to be fully present, in the present, with this new little guy.   Granted, being with one’s own first grandchild is a very special, off-the-charts experience.

But so was being undivided and in the present.

It reminded me how much there is to be gained by being fully present to whatever I’m doing, whenever possible.  It reminded me how stressful it is to multi-task– even to just mentally multi-task.  And how in contrast, just being here now, wherever and whatever “here” is, is actually a qualitatively different experience.  And a better one. 

Since returning from Philly I’ve been able to bring some of this consciousness with me.  It’s helped me be in less of a hurry all the time.  It’s also helped me be more singleminded about what I’m doing.  When writing this post, for example, I’ve been able to just work on the post, rather than also feeling pulled in other directions.  

Sometime today or this week or this month, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of just doing one thing at a time.  Have a taste of being here now.  Even if you’re just clearing your desk or composing a simple email, I suspect it will feel better than it usually does.  If you try this while being in conversation with someone, I suspect the shift will be even more palpable.   

Moments of being here now and not rushing can serve as little oases where you can refresh.

Andrea L. Volpe teaches writing at Harvard University.  She was recently named managing editor of a new journal, History of the Present (www.historyofthepresent.org). 

Recently, I thought back to what I learned from Sharon’s coaching as I re-committed myself to living what I’d learned.  Several years ago, I worked with her to make more disciplined headway on the progress of a book manuscript during a sabbatical.  Two months in, I was afraid that I was going to re-write the same chapter for a year.  In the years leading up to that moment, I’d plotted a course for myself from widow and expectant mom to a single, working parent with a child in elementary school and a new partner.  Reacting to what was at hand had worked well as a survival strategy, until it didn’t.  As I reframed my life, I’d recommitted myself to the book project, and I knew I needed to get somewhere, but even after all I knew about how to weather sea changes, I wasn’t sure how. 

As simple as it sounds now, I had to learn how to make myself and my project a priority.  I had to make a choice; I had to say yes to some things and learn how to say no to others.  I needed to plot my project, and stay the course, so that logging time over time would shift the project.  And it did.  Part of what I learned that year was that what I wanted to do was going to take (still) more time than I thought it was, but that I wanted to and could do it. I had to treat my work like an endurance sport (the ultra triathalon of parenting, teaching and writing).   Very basic things that had been part of me for a long time—cooking well, exercise, friends—were foundational to that discipline.

Recently, I did a one-month brusher-upper with Sharon to accelerate my progress—while my son was at sleep-away camp, I completed a full draft of the manuscript–the final arc of the project had emerged and only did so with twelve days of uninterrupted writing, thinking (and yoga breaks).  I found that all the work up to that point had been my training–I had gained focus, confidence and stamina.  I loved having Sharon on my team but I also learned that those resources were now part of me.  This year, as I’ve plotted out my final revisions between teaching and nurturing my blended-family-in-the-making, I’ve started to see the ways in which I coach myself:

• I have a master vision of what’s important to me: family, friends, exercise, writing.  Of all those, exercise is probably the wellspring for everything else.  I actually plan most of my work commitments around my schedule at the gym and yoga studio (”I’m sorry, I can’t meet then, have a ‘meeting’ to go to…”).  I know that when I sacrifice what sustains me, I lose what grounds me.

• I am always trying to better at setting limits.  The support of friends has been so essential to me, it’s hard to limit my social calendar.  But I’ve held myself to my tried and true inner circle as other priorities—family and writing—have come into focus.

• I don’t multi-task.  For a long time, I worried that I had ADD—but then I realized it was just single parenting (and one time or another, we are all single parenting.)   Now, as much as can, I do one thing at a time; I write when I have time to write,  I run when I have time to run, I play Parchesi when I play Parchesi.   And more gets done.   I love this!

• I reward myself. These aren’t, in the post-recession world, necessarily large or visible luxuries.  I might just really appreciate getting to spinning, or I might sneak in a manicure while my son is at karate, or I might buy a new cookbook and plan a great dinner.

• I know what energizes me.   I know that cooking good meals for myself and my family is restorative and always worth the time. I stopped drinking coffee and switched to green tea.

• I plan.  I plan menus and shop from them, always on Saturday afternoons; I plan a budget and reassess it every year, me and my partner plan our family’s calendar in (at least) 6 month increments. 

• When things crumble or buckle, I re-evaluate and problem-solve and remind myself of my foundational resources.  Recently, I wanted to get a block of work done but not sacrifice the quality of our meals—I knew I needed something to sustain me at the end of a writing day that wasn’t from Trader Joe’s.  So  I became my own personal chef.  I did a little research, dug into my favorite cook books, bought some Pyrex and started cooking for the freezer.  If you cook three meals at once, you can bank almost a week’s worth of meals.  I wrote the chapter, and we ate well: I took care of myself.

Read more of Andrea L. Volpe’s writing here.   Andrea consults on all aspects of writing, from development to to publication.  You can reach her at  alvolpe@verizon.net. 

Fourteen years of coaching professional women have taught me some of the most prevalent patterns of imbalance and the interventions that can restore a sense of well-being and sanity.  

I don’t mean to sound facile about these solutions.  The details are always unique to the individual and difficult for her to see from within the experience.  Moving forward generally happens very slowly.  I don’t believe in a happily-ever-after kind of unconscious happiness, but I passionately believe that some kinds of suffering can be alleviated. 

Here are two patterns of imbalance — experienced as unhappiness — I’ve witnessed with my clients, my friends, and myself, and the course corrections that can make a difference.

1. Feeling out of control, overwhelmed, powerless.  The solution for this  generally involves:  

·     naming it as such, and thereby differentiating it from the feelings of despair, failure, and self-loathing that often accompany it

·     taking back control, increment by increment, wherever possible, by renegotiating agreements, selectively jettisoning obligations, re-prioritizing, and whatever else it takes

As a result, the individual regains firmer ground and some level of control in her life, and feels back in her own power again.  

2. Feeling drained, exhausted, depleted, even sick. 

·     Here too, the place to start is with awareness: name it for what it is, and separate it out from the sense of shame, emptiness, and failure that people often feel as a result of no longer having enthusiasm or passion FOR ANYTHING.  The no-enthusiasm-for-anything syndrome often shows up in people who are very drained and exhausted.

·     Generally what’s also called for is serious rest, recovery, and replenishment which often means cutting back somewhere in order to make room for this. 

In my experience, once people GET that this is what’s going on, that it’s not about personal failure but rather about personal depletion, the reframe is very empowering and they quickly figure out what to do.  They often need support thinking through the pragmatics of it and then implementing it.  Cutting back is particularly difficult for women with a habitual pattern of pleasing others.

As the depletion and exhaustion are replaced with a sense of being nourished and re-charged, at least some of the unhappiness recedes, leaving a generally happier camper.   And a more effective one.

Adequate self-care often results in greater effectiveness, across the board.  This ripple-out effect often surprises the individual, who may feel ”selfish” in administering the self care (often as a last resort).  But it does make sense.  Who’s likely to be the more effective manager, parent, or creative problem-solver: the person who’s exhausted, frazzled, and running on empty or the one whose batteries are charged and whose focus is unambivalent?

If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your work or your kids.

In the Preoccupations  column in today’s New York Times, economist Sylvia Ann Hewlett writes that what women executives do to unwind is . . . NOTHING.  They lust for “chunks of empty space — no expectations, no agendas.” 

It’s not just women executives, I would add.  Any over-scheduled, busy professional would do well to use this strategy for re-charging her batteries.  I use the word “strategy” intentionally, because for most intensely busy people the prospect of doing nothing is complete anathema.  But when understood as a strategy for restoring one’s sanity, it’s more easily considered. 

In today’s post on her Profitable Consultant blog, internet marketing specialist Dianna Huff writes about her own experience regularly ”doing nothing” as a break from her work (as a marketing professional, entrepreneur, and advisor to profitable consultants).  She says the impact of taking such a break is that “I usually come back to the ‘real world’ refreshed, relaxed and focused.”

If you don’t regularly give yourself the gift of a real break like this, you’ll feel some guilt when you start.  But don’t let that keep you from starting.  Start small, with just a few minutes at a time.  It might feel boring at first, and you might be racked with guilt.  But tough it out; it’s worth it. 

“Doing nothing” not only re-charge your batteries, it can also put you into a state of receptivity to your own intuition and creativity.  Albert Einstein said something that applies here: ”The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them.” 

The truth is, you are not ACTUALLY doing nothing when you are “doing nothing.”  You are simply stepping out of active ”doing” and “thinking” mode,  and that allows other parts of your brain and your being to kick in, in the background.

This week someone told me about a tradition she has created in her family.  They call it Pajama Thanksgiving. 

She and her husband and their two young children get up on Thanksgiving Day when they feel like getting up, and they stay in their pajamas.  She gets a turkey into the oven when she does, and when it’s ready, they sit down and have a meal, the four of them together. 

 It’s the most relaxed and easy day in the entire year for them.

This is otherwise a very, very busy family. Both parents work full time, the kids go to school and extended day programs and do the kinds of activities that many kids do: music lessons, sports, theater, Sunday School, and so on. 

The parents crave time with their children with no agenda, no schedule to adhere to, no competing commitments.  The children crave time with their parents.  So there is no multi-tasking on Pajama Thanksgiving, no Blackberries in use, no company to get ready for, no time that everyone has to be “ready.”  

A Pajama Thanksgiving may not appeal to YOU in the least.  But for this family, this is just heavenly.   They love spending this day together.  The parents read to the kids.  The older daughter reads to her little brother.  They play games.  They make up games.  

When the little guy naps, the parents nap too, and the daughter watches a movie.   There might be a cookie-baking project.  There might be a crafts project.  There might not be.  As a family, they let the day unfold and they are each present to create and experience it with each other.  It is their authentic holiday. 

They have created their TG tradition from the inside out.  It’s not about the appearance of it;  it’s not about the form.   The form is simply the result of the deep inner need that’s getting satisfied:  the need for connected down time together with these particular people.  The need for a safe haven from the loud, incessant demands of daily life.  The need to not have to be “productive” in the task-list sense of things.

Many of us have created holiday traditions that are patterned after our workdays: there’s a schedule, there are people to see or people who come over, there is a timetable, there is pressure, there are people depending on us to deliver in certain ways, there are expectations to live up to.

The Pajama Family draws a strong boundary around this day and creates for themselves the holiday they truly need.

Hands down, one of the most powerful things time-starved, crazy-busy people can do for themselves is to strengthen their boundary-setting skills.  Big bang for the buck, in my experience. 

Here are a few boundary-strengthening ideas that have made a difference for my clients and for me.  

1. Don’t be an Automatic Helper.  Before jumping in or committing to help, ask yourself these questions:

• Do I have the necessary resources available (time, money, focus, attention) to help in this situation?
• What other commitments of mine will take a hit (be postponed or taken off the list entirely) if I take on this new one? 
• What will I have to say “no” to in order to say “yes” to helping out here?

Based on your answers to these questions, make a conscious decision.

2. Practice saying this line out loud: “Let me think about this and get back to you.” 

3. Feeling guilty doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing anything wrong.  Sometimes it means you’re doing something different and that feels uncomfortable.

If you’d like to hear more ideas about how and when to set appropriate boundaries, consider coming to a 1-hour teleconference I’m leading on Thursday, October 22, at 1:00 Eastern.  Can’t make it to this one, but want to be notified the next time it’s offered?  Email me with ”boundaries teleconference” in the subject line, and I’ll send you an email announcing the next time this teleconference runs.   

A coaching client of mine learned recently that she is capable of “aggressive productivity.” During a 2-week period, she cleared her decks and made an important project her absolute top priority. She was astonished at how much she was able to accomplish and stunned by its quality. 

She learned how powerful it is to work on one thing at a time, unambivalently and unambiguously focused.  It’s also satisfying, validating, and rewarding, though certainly challenging in its own ways.

Here are some tools that helped her pull this off:

• She regularly asked herself, “What do I have to say ‘no’ to in order to say ‘yes’ to this project?” She said no to invitations, distractions, temptations, and competing demands. Some came from outside herself, such as an invitation to see a movie with a good friend she hadn’t seen in a while.  Some came from within, such as ”I should clean my messy kitchen” or ”I should attend to my other work.”  These “opportunities” are always out there.  And within us.
• She imagined herself a warrior with a sword she brandished when her project came under attack by forces outside of it. Whether you’re protecting your focus for 2 weeks or 4 minutes, YOU’LL NEED A SWORD TOO. Because it always comes down to “this moment,” and sometimes your sheer will just needs some backup.  A visual can help.
• She practiced very good self-care during this period of aggressive productivity.  Knowing it was like a marathon or other exreme performance event, she made sure she stayed nourished and hydrated. She got enough sleep, ate well, planned quality breaks, and made things easy for herself outside of this project.

What do you need to say “no” to in order to say “yes” to what’s most important to you?

Where do you keep your sword? (We all have one, somewhere.)

Where could you turn up the volume on self-care in order to finish your event?

Never underestimate the enormous power of single-minded focus, even for short bursts.