Work-Life Sanity Blog

What it boils down to is learning to to recognize when we are running on empy, to NOTICE IT, to identify it as a valid cue, and then to do something about it.  This requires remembering that being completely fried is not a healthy state of being on any level, and it’s our responsibility to ourselves (and to all the people and projects that depend on us) to get UN-fried.  To replenish, restore, recharge, renew . . . so that we can once again live our best life, which includes doing good work, having good relationships, and experiencing some level of happiness and well-being.

“Time off” doesn’t have to be a luxurious 8 days completely out of the office with no checking email, like I took the last week of June.  Time off can be dinner with a friend, reading a novel over the course of a month, or stepping away from your work for a moment to feel the ground under your feet and take a couple of deep breaths. 

I’m currently in the midst of a growth-and-learning episode with this dynamic, learning it at the next level.  I passed Time Off the Treadmill 303 some time ago, but this is Time off the Treadmill 400, and it’s challenging.  I’ve apparently been running on empty.  I only know this because I am CRAVING more time off, even after taking some very high quality time off last month. 

This is unusual for me.  I’m usually a cheap date when it comes to taking time off.  I can’t remember ever wanting as much time off as I have this summer.  I am choosing to trust that this is a real and valid need, and I am allowing myself much more time off than usual.

My oldest behavior, from years ago, was to respond to wanting time off by berating myself for being so unmotivated, grabbing myself by the collar, and saying to myself with authority, “Get back to work.”  And I did.  (Though I came to see, ultimately, that in that state, my work was inefficient and uninspired.)

My newer behavior illustrates some of what I’ve learned (over oh-so-many iterations):
    a. to notice without judgement my experience of desiring time off
    b. to consider it valid
    c. to investigate how soon I can responsibly take some time off,  and do it 

So I’m taking another week off in August. My business is generally quieter in the summer months than during the year because there’s less training and keynoting.  In past summers I’ve used this “quiet time” to do more writing, catch up on back office work, and develop marketing plans for the coming year.  I’m not going there now.  I’m just allowing myself the time off the track. 

While taking this much time off is out of my comfort zone, it has felt so compellingly right that I am choosing to have no doubts about it.  I have questions, such as when will I catch up on all this back office work?  I allow myself to tolerate having no answer for that.  My inner “Driven Woman” is hungrily, greedily, hopefully wondering if this “fallow” period will give rise to a new book.  I’ve learned to just let her do her thing but not let her dominate the conversation. 

I recognize that as a self-employed person I can take time off more easily than an employed person, but then again there are costs to it, such as not getting paid for vacation days.  So please don’t use my self-employed status as a way to disregard what I’m saying here: “Well sure, SHE can take time off because she works for herself, but I can’t just do that, so I’m blowing off everything she says because her situation is just so totally different from mine.”

There is always a way to take some time off, whether it’s a day or an hour or a minute.  So if you too are craving some time off, find a way to take some!

Lower a standard, re-negotiate an agreement, take a vacation day or a vacation, get some help with a project so you can create more open space for yourself, eliminate some non-priority items from your master list — whatever it take, get what you need. 

If you don’t need time out right now, remember this for when you do.  And enjoy your current state of not having this need!

Here is a simple summary of what I’ve been saying.  I’m calling it The Fallow Law:

The Fallow Law:

• Being completely fried is not a healthy state.

• Like letting a field go fallow regularly to keep it fertile and healthy, you have to give yourself time off in order to stay creatively fertile and emotionally healthy, both of which are precursors to living your best life.

I hope you will use it to support yourself in getting un-fried when you need to. 

If you find that you consistently do not replenish, restore, recharge, or renew . . . perhaps a short round of coaching is in order.  It’s possible that what’s called for are bigger structural changes than you have been willing to look at until now.  It’s also possible that more regular time off the track is all that you need.  Whatever it is that keeps you from getting what you need, I encourage you to take a stand for yourself and get some help.

I had a very rich experience recently.  I was visiting my then-8-week-old grandson at his home in Philadelphia.  I had almost two whole weekdays (just the days, not the evenings) as his sole caretaker.   It was a gift to have this much time with him. 

For me, much about this experience was remarkable.  First, I had cleared my plate completely and was able to be undivided in my attention to him.  My clients knew I was checking email and phone only in the evening, and I was otherwise on vacation from my professional life.  I had no meals to prepare, no errands to run, no one really expecting anything from me.  Life was very simple: it was just about the baby.  And there was no rush.

When my own children were little, even when I was working part-time, even when I knew enough with my second baby to take some maternity leave, there were always competing demands for my attention: my work, the house, meals, my husband, the other child, etc.  

Spending this time with my grandbaby, I had no competing demands, and there was no need to be in a hurry.

What a joyful experience — to be fully present, in the present, with this new little guy.   Granted, being with one’s own first grandchild is a very special, off-the-charts experience.

But so was being undivided and in the present.

It reminded me how much there is to be gained by being fully present to whatever I’m doing, whenever possible.  It reminded me how stressful it is to multi-task– even to just mentally multi-task.  And how in contrast, just being here now, wherever and whatever “here” is, is actually a qualitatively different experience.  And a better one. 

Since returning from Philly I’ve been able to bring some of this consciousness with me.  It’s helped me be in less of a hurry all the time.  It’s also helped me be more singleminded about what I’m doing.  When writing this post, for example, I’ve been able to just work on the post, rather than also feeling pulled in other directions.  

Sometime today or this week or this month, I encourage you to give yourself the gift of just doing one thing at a time.  Have a taste of being here now.  Even if you’re just clearing your desk or composing a simple email, I suspect it will feel better than it usually does.  If you try this while being in conversation with someone, I suspect the shift will be even more palpable.   

Moments of being here now and not rushing can serve as little oases where you can refresh.

Fourteen years of coaching professional women have taught me some of the most prevalent patterns of imbalance and the interventions that can restore a sense of well-being and sanity.  

I don’t mean to sound facile about these solutions.  The details are always unique to the individual and difficult for her to see from within the experience.  Moving forward generally happens very slowly.  I don’t believe in a happily-ever-after kind of unconscious happiness, but I passionately believe that some kinds of suffering can be alleviated. 

Here are two patterns of imbalance — experienced as unhappiness — I’ve witnessed with my clients, my friends, and myself, and the course corrections that can make a difference.

1. Feeling out of control, overwhelmed, powerless.  The solution for this  generally involves:  

·     naming it as such, and thereby differentiating it from the feelings of despair, failure, and self-loathing that often accompany it

·     taking back control, increment by increment, wherever possible, by renegotiating agreements, selectively jettisoning obligations, re-prioritizing, and whatever else it takes

As a result, the individual regains firmer ground and some level of control in her life, and feels back in her own power again.  

2. Feeling drained, exhausted, depleted, even sick. 

·     Here too, the place to start is with awareness: name it for what it is, and separate it out from the sense of shame, emptiness, and failure that people often feel as a result of no longer having enthusiasm or passion FOR ANYTHING.  The no-enthusiasm-for-anything syndrome often shows up in people who are very drained and exhausted.

·     Generally what’s also called for is serious rest, recovery, and replenishment which often means cutting back somewhere in order to make room for this. 

In my experience, once people GET that this is what’s going on, that it’s not about personal failure but rather about personal depletion, the reframe is very empowering and they quickly figure out what to do.  They often need support thinking through the pragmatics of it and then implementing it.  Cutting back is particularly difficult for women with a habitual pattern of pleasing others.

As the depletion and exhaustion are replaced with a sense of being nourished and re-charged, at least some of the unhappiness recedes, leaving a generally happier camper.   And a more effective one.

Adequate self-care often results in greater effectiveness, across the board.  This ripple-out effect often surprises the individual, who may feel ”selfish” in administering the self care (often as a last resort).  But it does make sense.  Who’s likely to be the more effective manager, parent, or creative problem-solver: the person who’s exhausted, frazzled, and running on empty or the one whose batteries are charged and whose focus is unambivalent?

If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for your work or your kids.

In a recent conversation with several people about blogging, I realized that I’ve been making things unnecessarly difficult for myself by requiring that my blog posts be about 500 words long.   Of course I’ve read other people’s posts that are shorter, but I never made the connection that mine could be shorter too.

I know I’m not the only person who makes things more difficult than they need to be, but I’m the one I know the best. 

For a long time I thought that work was supposed to be hard.   If it wasn’t hard, it didn’t count, I thought: it wasn’t worthy somehow.   Once I became aware of that thought pattern, I was able to see that it didn’t serve me, and I started the process of learning how to allow things to be easier, which is turning out to be a lifelong process. 

This is iteration number 99 of “it doesn’t have to be difficult.”  My posts at this blog can be be as long or as short as they need to be.

This week someone told me about a tradition she has created in her family.  They call it Pajama Thanksgiving. 

She and her husband and their two young children get up on Thanksgiving Day when they feel like getting up, and they stay in their pajamas.  She gets a turkey into the oven when she does, and when it’s ready, they sit down and have a meal, the four of them together. 

 It’s the most relaxed and easy day in the entire year for them.

This is otherwise a very, very busy family. Both parents work full time, the kids go to school and extended day programs and do the kinds of activities that many kids do: music lessons, sports, theater, Sunday School, and so on. 

The parents crave time with their children with no agenda, no schedule to adhere to, no competing commitments.  The children crave time with their parents.  So there is no multi-tasking on Pajama Thanksgiving, no Blackberries in use, no company to get ready for, no time that everyone has to be “ready.”  

A Pajama Thanksgiving may not appeal to YOU in the least.  But for this family, this is just heavenly.   They love spending this day together.  The parents read to the kids.  The older daughter reads to her little brother.  They play games.  They make up games.  

When the little guy naps, the parents nap too, and the daughter watches a movie.   There might be a cookie-baking project.  There might be a crafts project.  There might not be.  As a family, they let the day unfold and they are each present to create and experience it with each other.  It is their authentic holiday. 

They have created their TG tradition from the inside out.  It’s not about the appearance of it;  it’s not about the form.   The form is simply the result of the deep inner need that’s getting satisfied:  the need for connected down time together with these particular people.  The need for a safe haven from the loud, incessant demands of daily life.  The need to not have to be “productive” in the task-list sense of things.

Many of us have created holiday traditions that are patterned after our workdays: there’s a schedule, there are people to see or people who come over, there is a timetable, there is pressure, there are people depending on us to deliver in certain ways, there are expectations to live up to.

The Pajama Family draws a strong boundary around this day and creates for themselves the holiday they truly need.

A gifted manager/leader had a conversation with a direct report who, though recognized as being highly talented, was passed over for a particular project.   The manager asked her report three fabulous questions, which I want to share with you in this post.   They are:

1.  What was it you wanted to learn in that project?  How else or where else might you learn that, and how what can I support that?  Let’s watch for other opportunities that will get you exposed to this content.

2.  Who did you want to get to know through that project?  I will keep that in mind and watch for other opportunities for you to work with that person or others with the salient characteristics (the level, position, skillset, discipline, etc that was of interest to you). 

3.  What did you want that project to lead you to?  To the extent that you saw it as a stepping stone to something else, what was that “something else”?  I want to understand that so I can watch for other opportunities for you to do that.

From where I sit, these questions are powerful because they acknowledge and validate the direct report’s ambition, drive, and professional agenda.  They also let her know that this manager wants to support that professional agenda. 

This is in stark contrast to other managers in other environments, who see an individual’s interest in other projects and other people in the organization as “disloyal,” suspicious, and to be nipped in the bud.  Not a great way to retain talented people!

Another way these questions reveal strong leadership skill is that they are likely to inspire strong strategic thinking on the part of the direct report, if she is not already thinking that way.  These questions ask her to take her own interests, ambition, and curiosity seriously.   They ask her to think about projects and people within the organization that can forward her own development. 

Further, these questions gave rise to a conversation that let the direct report know (accurately) that her manager sees her development as part of her managerial role.    While many managers understand that developing their team is part of their job,  not all are comfortable facilitating a conversation at this fine a grain. 

Some professionals have an innate understanding of how to navigate their own professional trajectory.  They very naturally seek out the relationships and experiences that take them where they want to go.  But most people are not such naturals when it comes to navigating their work life. 

Most people have to learn to do this.  In my experience, this learning typically happens during people’s mid-career years, but of course it can happen at any time.   There is no underestimating how much positive impact a great manager can have on someone in this learning curve. 

That said . . . it is also the case that professionals and entrepreneurs at any level can and should learn to ask themselves powerful questions like these.

A coaching client of mine learned recently that she is capable of “aggressive productivity.” During a 2-week period, she cleared her decks and made an important project her absolute top priority. She was astonished at how much she was able to accomplish and stunned by its quality. 

She learned how powerful it is to work on one thing at a time, unambivalently and unambiguously focused.  It’s also satisfying, validating, and rewarding, though certainly challenging in its own ways.

Here are some tools that helped her pull this off:

• She regularly asked herself, “What do I have to say ‘no’ to in order to say ‘yes’ to this project?” She said no to invitations, distractions, temptations, and competing demands. Some came from outside herself, such as an invitation to see a movie with a good friend she hadn’t seen in a while.  Some came from within, such as ”I should clean my messy kitchen” or ”I should attend to my other work.”  These “opportunities” are always out there.  And within us.
• She imagined herself a warrior with a sword she brandished when her project came under attack by forces outside of it. Whether you’re protecting your focus for 2 weeks or 4 minutes, YOU’LL NEED A SWORD TOO. Because it always comes down to “this moment,” and sometimes your sheer will just needs some backup.  A visual can help.
• She practiced very good self-care during this period of aggressive productivity.  Knowing it was like a marathon or other exreme performance event, she made sure she stayed nourished and hydrated. She got enough sleep, ate well, planned quality breaks, and made things easy for herself outside of this project.

What do you need to say “no” to in order to say “yes” to what’s most important to you?

Where do you keep your sword? (We all have one, somewhere.)

Where could you turn up the volume on self-care in order to finish your event?

Never underestimate the enormous power of single-minded focus, even for short bursts.

 What do you call a working mother whose kids have grown up and left home?  She’s no longer a “working mother” as we’ve all come to know and understand the term.  I’ve come up with the term “Working Mom Emeritus.”  What do you think?  Is there a more concise way to express this?  

There are a lot of us out here.  Our kids are now in their 20s and 30s, and some of them are beginning to have children of their own.  Some of us are even involved in the care of those kids, our grandchildren.  (My own daughters (age 27 and 31) have dogs, not kids.)

Here’s what I can tell you about work life balance from the other side of the intensive parenting years.  It gets vastly simpler.  Not necessarily easier, because if you have a tendency to be a workaholic, well, there’s even more opportunity to do so when you’re not committed to getting to the ice hockey game or having a decent dinner on the table by 6:30.  But it does get simpler.

For one thing, there are fewer stakeholders.  After the intensive parenting years, it’s just you and possibly a significant other in your primary circle.  It’s not that your adult children want nothing to do with you.  Hopefully, you play your cards in such a way and are lucky enough that you are still part of their lives and vice versa.  But you’re just not in their lives in the same daily, intensive way.  And it’s really OK.

And then there’s your work, which of course can consume your whole life.  The challenge is to stay conscious and intentional about how you allocate your time and where you draw your boundaries.  

For some of us, it was easier to have firm boundaries around work when our other time went to our very compelling other work: our children.  When there are no children at home, there is a very real risk of giving it all away to work.  Particularly for driven women who have not yet “made their mark” and for women in challenging financial straits.  

But the beautiful little non-intuitive secret is that giving it all away is not sustainable.  Being completely out of balance with overwork is like trying to run a marathon without drinking any water.  You crash and burn.  You can’t finish the event.  The ONLY way to finish an endurance event is to hydrate along the way.  Which translates into doing the things that nourish you for the long haul, whatever they are for you.  For most people that includes having regular time off from task list mindset.