Work-Life Sanity Blog

Imagine this. You’re utterly flat out at work, painfully aware of how close you’ve come lately to dropping balls (or maybe you’ve dropped a few). You’re stressed from what seems like working all the time, but you don’t know any other way to address all that’s on your plate. Then you get another big assignment that puts you over the edge: now this really is impossible, even for you (with your hard core work ethic and ability to muscle through whatever-it-takes). Sound plausible? Familiar?

Here’s what productivity guru David Allen writes about this in a recent newsletter:

The good news about this overwhelm is that it’s forcing people to make executive decisions that they never felt like they had to make before. “I need to do everything that comes my way.” No, you can’t anymore, sorry. You are going to have to do triage. That means you are going to have to have a conversation with your boss. You are going to have to show up with a list of everything he or she has given you and have a conversation. “Gee, thanks for these new things, can we talk? Because I am not going to be able to do them all.” It’s forcing those kinds of conversations.     Read more. . . .        

For years I’ve helped clients have conversations like these with their bosses (and with their own direct reports when they initiate it). Most find it helpful to talk through how to position the conversation, how to language what they need to say, and how to sustain a constructive dialog without complicating it by getting defensive, lashing out, or feeling bad about themselves.

Here are my top 5 recommendations:

1. If this is your first time having a conversation like this, don’t wing it.You stand to benefit hugely from doing some preparation.
2. Keep the conversation about the work.  It’s not about you, and it’s not about your boss. Assume the mindset that you and your boss are on the same team whose mission is to get the work done. 
3. Keep the language neutral. Don’t paint yourself as wrong, bad, or ineffective. Don’t paint your boss as wrong, unreasonable, or mean (even if you think she or he is).
4. Ask for clarification about priorities. “I thought you wanted me to keep A as my absolute top priority because it has such a tight schedule and so much is riding on it. Now you’re asking me to also work on B. Please help me understand — has the priority changed? Do you want me to let some of the A deadlines slide?” “Would you help me re-prioritize what’s on my plate, given the new assignment?”
5. Go into the conversation with a written bullet list of what’s on your plate. This can be a strategic visual to have with you, particularly if you’re going to ask for help in re-prioritizing. It takes the pressure off you (and your boss) to remember everything that’s on your list.
6. Anticipate the emotions (defensiveness, low self-esteem, anger, frustration) you might experience, and have a plan for how to deal with them so that they don’t sabotage your conversation. For example, if you’re likely to feel defensive about not being able to do everything, be prepared to recognize it in real time and deploy a tactic to restore your levelheadedness, such as anchoring or a silent affirmation.  

On a related note, if you suspect that your work habits are truly inefficient, address this issue.  For example, consider taking one of David Allen’s seminars. Many highly effective people swear by them.  

In short, if your to-do list has really become an impossible list, either get some help in optimizing your performance, or get some help from your boss. Or both. Either one is likely to reduce your work stress in the short term and lead to an all-around better situation for you in the long term. 

“If you think working overtime, skipping your lunch hour and staying chained to your desk will make you more productive, you need to cut yourself some slack and take a break.  Working non-stop without taking a break can increase your chances of weight gain, heart disease and worse.”   So begins a powerful infographic the creative folks at Learnstuff.com developed.   Check it out here: http://www.learnstuff.com/take-a-break/.  In fine print at the bottom, they include the data sources for their bold statements and strong suggestions

They offer disturbing statistics about how many hours most of us SIT at work (guilty as charged), how bad it is for us, AND how easily we could turn it around.  For example, getting away from sitting at the computer even for 5 minutes at a time can make a difference.  Standing for 1/2 hour burns 50% more calories than sitting. 

I recently had a pinched nerve in my neck that produced numbness, tingling, and pain in my right arm.  It didn’t get better on its own and started keeping me up at night. I consulted my chiropractor who did some work on me that helped, but he said the main cause of the problem was that my posture was terrible: I didn’t sit or stand straight.  He said my poor posture was causing premature wear and tear on my cervical vertebrae, and I would continue to see pinched nerves and the like unless I improved my posture.  Who knew? 

So I started paying attention and was appalled at the collapsed, crumpled-up way I frequently found myself sitting in front of my computer.  But when I noticed it, I could pretty easily straighten up.  After 2 weeks of my noticing and straightening, the chiropractor actually saw changes in my neck from better posture.  That was so encouraging and motivating!  Small changes can have big impact, I thought.  How lucky is that?

Between the chiropractor and the information from Learnstuff.com, I also find myself making other changes.  This was my week to send out holiday gifts and cards to my clients and colleagues.  I usually do this sitting at a desk with everything I need in front of me.  But this year I did it while taking a break from sitting.  I walked around my office to assemble each person’s card and/or gift and wrote out the card and label while standing.  As I finished up each one and stamped it, I walked it to the growing stack of items outside my office door.  I actually felt energized by it.   

My big challenge going forward is to remember these things.  I printed out the graphic (it’s long but looks great) and hung it where I’ll see it daily. 

So what about you?  I encourage you to find ways to take breaks from sitting, and to find other ways to heed the warnings about being chained to the computer.  Make some changes.  Apparently a little can go a long way.     

At yesterday’s Massachusetts Conference for Women in Boston, Arianna Huffington gave a terrific keynote in which she focused on how important it is for women to get enough sleep, and to more frequently and regularly take a break.  In our culture of perfectionism and overwork, she said, too many women literally work non-stop.  Between their paid work and their family and community work, they are always on — not taking breaks to recharge their batteries, never resting, and not sleeping nearly enough.

Huffington is a passionate believer in sleep, and actually has “nap rooms” at the Huffington Post, which she encourages people to use (they do).  She said that no one can do their best work or be their best self if they aren’t getting enough rest.  When people start getting enough sleep, it inevitably has a huge positive impact on their work.  She said getting more sleep helps you advance in your work and quipped, “I call this sleeping your way to the top.” 

Even mild sleep deprivation negatively impacts cognitive function.

As a life coach, I know that people are infinitely more willing to consider regularly taking a break or getting more sleep when they think it could improve their effectiveness on the job.  They are resistant to the idea if they think it would “only” make them feel better or be happier.  Of course your body and mind don’t really care why you decide to change your behavior — they just leverage your new behavior for all it’s worth.  And then you start performing better in your professional life and being more effective in your private life.

Have you ever had the experience of being in the shower, or mindlessly walking your dog, or otherwise just being relaxed and not focused on work of any kind, and suddenly, out of the blue you get an amazing idea that pertains to work?  Or an insight into a personal relationship that’s been challenging you?  Or some other creative thought about something you were not directly thinking about?

Neuroscientist and high performance coach David Rock explains that this happens when the big roaring engine of our pre-frontal cortex (think task-list driver) has punched out and we are able to hear the whispered messages from other parts of our brain.  These other parts of our brain are the locus of creativity, intuition, insight, inspiration, and other such non-linear and visionary functions which are key to higher level work of any kind.  It’s a fabulous recommendation for time off, don’t you think?

Whether or not you experience your edge ebbing — consider getting more sleep and taking more time off in the New Year.  If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for the work that you do.

I recently emailed a client to ask how she was doing with her upcoming deadline.  She replied by sending the following image:

The source for this image and many other original graphics that reflect a similar sensibility and dark humor is http://www.ToothpasteForDinner.com.  This image is used with their permission.  I think the image brilliantly captures a very real experience.    

The creative process — whether invoked to write a grant, solve an engineering problem, or deal with a difficult person –  is an excitable beast.  It uses different parts of our brain than the usual task-list, taking-care-of-business mode does, and requires a different kind of care.  If you treat your orchid plant the same way you treat your schefflera, at least one of them will not flourish.  Same with the creative process — it needs to be handled in a way that’s specific to IT.  It’s much more of a diva than our workhorse routines are.  It’s  temperamental, easily dissed, and will shut itself down in a heartbeat if it’s mistreated.  But with proper care, it can flourish.  

ONE element of care that can enhance your creative process is to free up some bandwidth: make some space for it.  That means getting some things off your plate.  Here are some classic ways to get items off your to-do list:

• DO.  Find the short and simple items and just get them done.  Get your car inspected, tell Ed you won’t be at his meeting, do your backup.
• DELEGATE.  Outsource some of the tasks: find someone else to do them.  Cajole, beg, barter, influence, hire, call in favors, leverage your authority, whatever it takes.
• DELAY.  Schedule the item into your calendar for a month from now, at which time you will consider doing it.  Note: this is not the same as procrastinating.
• DITCH.  Admit that it’s not happening, get over it, and cross it off the list.  For example: re-organizing your PowerPoint slides.

The key thing in freeing up bandwidth is to not get so caught up in it that you never get around to addressing the original creative challenge!  I have learned this about myself: I’m much more in my comfort zone when I’m in work-horse mode: do do do do do.  I am easily hijacked by my all-important to-do list and my big bold brassy bossy executive function.  I have to remind myself that my working-dog mentality reports to me, not vice-versa — I am its boss!  Once I get some tasks off my list and some bandwidth freed up, it’s time to return to the creative process.

There are many other things you can do to support your creative process, but this is a crucial one.

Do you think Einstein did his own taxes?

As  life coach, I help professionals and entrepreneurs tap into their creativity and brilliance.  Curious?  Contact me and get your questions answered.

Here’s an interesting blog post that offers 6 excellent productivity tips.  While I think all of these tips are great ideas, the one that seems the most elusive to people is the one about setting boundaries.

Many of us have segments of our jobs that can only be done effectively in large blocks of uninterrupted time.  When I was a database designer and developer, I did my best designing and coding work alone in my office with the door closed.  (Yes I had an office with a door — it was a long time ago.)  In my current job as a life coach, I write a newsletter, I write this blog, and I do other writing as well.  I can only write in uninterrupted blocks of time.  If I take phone calls and read email while I’m trying to write something — it doesn’t get written.

It turns out that uninterrupted is also the most satisfying way to do this kind of work.  Nice, huh?  Another good reason for good boundaries.

One of the biggest secrets to success is knowing that you have to fail sometimes. You have to fail forward in order to move forward and succeed. It sounds counter-intuitive, and it generally doesn’t feel wonderful, but failure is a necessary part of personal development.

Making mistakes or doing the wrong things helps you clarify your path and helps you learn the ropes.  You can’t move into new territory already knowing everything you need to know about that territory.  You have to learn it.  And that involves making mistakes and learning from them.  The mental challenge for many of us is giving ourselves permission to mess up rather than beating ourselves up mercilessly.

As a coach for professionals and entrepreneurs since 1995, I’ve now worked one-to-one with hundreds of of effective people who wanted to become MORE effective, busy people who wanted to streamline and improve their process in order to be more successful.  Many, many people get great value from re-framing this whole experience of “failure.”

If you are not making any mistakes, then that means that you are not making any progress. Progress and success require risk and significant investment, not just once but ongoingly. There is no way to get what you want if you are not willing to step out on a limb to make it happen. If you start a business, there is a chance that you will not succeed, but you will never know if you do not try.  Even if the business is a flop you will learn from your mistakes, and you will own that learning no matter what you do next.

The real reason people struggle with failure is that they think that it means that this is the end.  They take it as a sign that they shouldn’t even BE in this game (whatever game it is).  The truth is that failure is not the end unless you make it the end. Failure is never utter personal failure unless you personally let it define you and stop trying. Making mistakes is not an issue as long as you can do better in the future regardless of how badly you messed up.

Giving yourself permission to fail may be your most difficult learning edge.  Learning how to forgive yourself and move on is a crucial success strategy, right along with learning what the failure has to teach you.  Once you’ve harvested the learning, do your best and let it go.  The good news is there will be opportunities in the future for you to apply what you’ve learned.  The bad news  is there will be opportunities in your future to flounder in new ways.  The central task is to identify what there is to learn, recover emotionally as quickly as you can, and move forward.

Please contact me for more information about how to be more successful in your personal and professional life.

Delegating is not about thinking you’re too good for certain tasks.  It’s not about being a snob.  In fact it’s not about you at all.

It’s all about the work. If other people can take some things off your plate and that frees you up to do more of the work that only you can do, that moves everything forward in an efficient manner.

Most organizations housed in office buildings pay a cleaning company to handle the heavy housekeeping for the site.  Why?  So that the people who work there can focus on the mission of the organization and not have their time taken up with housekeeping tasks that are better handled by a cleaning company.  Meanwhile, the cleaning company has a valued, steady customer.  It’s a win-win.

That’s why delegation succeeds.  No matter what kind of work you do, you can’t also do everything else.  As you become more skilled and experienced, you become capable of higher level functions.  It’s a no-brainer, right?  But you can’t actually DO that higher level work if you’re still doing all your own collating.

Yes, the people more junior to you also have full plates, so you feel guilty.  But keep the focus ON THE WORK.  It’s not about you, and it’s not about them.  It’s about getting the job done.

And if there’s a staff shortage, then that needs to be addressed directly, for what it is.  And not buried under guilt and ambivalence.   

Need to delegate more effectively?  Need better guilt-management skills?  Consider getting some focused, customized coaching on this.   Coaching is what I do best.  Contact me.

Regrets. We all have them. Even the most successful and confident people have made plenty of mistakes or bad judgment calls in their life. In fact, most of us have probably made a few in the past week.

If you have trouble letting go of past mistakes or bad judgment calls, it can have a detrimental effect on your self image, as well as your personal productivity. Do you lie awake at night rehashing scenes and imagining what you could have done or said differently? Are you letting negative thoughts affect your self-confidence and hold you back from accomplishing more in life?

When you’re plagued by negative thoughts about mistakes you’ve made, it’s tempting to either indulge them or ignore them. However, neither of these strategies is very helpful. Wallowing in negativity will only make you feel worse and waste your time. And although you might be able to distract yourself in the short term by getting very busy with another task or project (or maybe a glass or two of wine), if you don’t deal with these negative thoughts, sooner or later they’ll return.

So how do you deal with those nagging regrets and reminders of past mistakes? Here are a few strategies that can help you deal with them and move on.

Clean it up. The first thing to do is ask yourself if there is some action you need to take in order to resolve the issue. Is this hanging over your head because something has been left undone? If so, get it done.  Do you need to apologize or initiate a conversation with someone in order to bring some closure to the problem?  If so, do it.  It can enable you to let it go.

Talk to someone. This can be a counselor, a life coach, or a trusted friend. Sometimes just saying the words out loud can help you realize your mistake wasn’t so horrendous after all. And if you’re being too hard on yourself, an outside point of view can help you gain some perspective.

Face the accusations head on. Imagine another person criticizing you in the same way you are criticizing yourself. Now defend yourself to this imaginary person. Say, “I’m not perfect. Everybody makes mistakes.” Explain what you learned from the experience. Then tell your accuser, “Now, leave me alone!”

Push the thoughts away. Once you’ve acknowledged and dealt with the feelings the best you can, if those persistent little buggers come back, it might be time to simply push them away. Imagine yourself hanging up a phone on the thoughts, or putting them in a boat and watching them drift off to sea. You know they might be back, but you have nothing else to say to them, so next time they return you can just push them away once again.

Replace the negative with positive. Research shows that you can’t feel stress and gratitude at the same time. So try some positive thinking. Focus on the blessings in your life, the things you are grateful for. Those negative ruminations can’t coexist in the same space with all that gratitude. You can even begin your day by writing a list of ten things you are grateful for. Surround yourself with reminders of the blessings in your life. The more you train your mind to focus on the positive, the more optimistic you will feel, and those negative thoughts will be crowded out.

As a life coach, I have helped many people learn to stop beating up on themselves and adopt more constructive behaviors. Contact me to schedule a no-fee initial meeting (by phone or in person) to learn more about my services and determine whether coaching might be helpful for you.

I recently read a terrific new book about introverts, by Susan Cain: Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

If you are an introvert, really, this is a must-read.  Speaking as a core introvert myself, I have to tell you I thought I knew all I needed to know about being an introvert in a largely extroverted culture.  But I learned so much more by reading Susan Cain’s book.

Trained as a lawyer but working as a journalist, Cain writes clearly and well.  She brings current neuroscience to bear on this topic, explaining at a brain level what it means to be  introverted or extroverted (or in Myers-Briggs shorthand, an I or an E).  In short, it’s all about how your brain processes stimulation.

If you are an I yourself, this book will help you understand yourself better.  If you have ever felt uncomfortable about being different from your E friends, colleagues, or family members, this book will strengthen your sense of yourself.

If you are an E who loves or works with I’s, this book can be a boon to those relationships.  If you are raising an I child, you will do your child a huge service by reading this book.  There’s a whole section at the end devoted to parenting a “quiet” child.

Very, very interesting stuff!

As a personal coach, I see how essential it is to people’s quality of life that their relative needs for being with other people and being alone are satisfied.  And conversely, it’s enormously stressful if your need for a lot of interaction with other people or your need for alone time is not satisfied.  As a stress management strategy, more fully satisfying either your I or your E can deliver enormous bang for your buck.

Certain kinds of work are particularly well-suited to introverts.  Some classics are writing and some kinds of engineering, among many others.  Most writers, for example, when writing a long, complex piece, need to be alone in order to make progress on the piece and eventually get it done.  Allowing their writing time to be frequently interrupted leads to great frustration and an unfinished piece.

Many engineers also find that much of their work requires a kind of tunneling into the deep and narrow confines of their particular technical expertise.  Frequent interruptions are extremely counterproductive and frustrating.  The same goes for workdays that are  chopped up by meetings. I heard about a group of engineers at one company who realized their common need and did something about it.  They worked with their management to create a daily, half-day block of “meeting-free” time.  After this was in place, they had their first on-time product launch.  In Quiet, Susan Cain writes about another group of colleagues who created “No-Talk Thursdays.”

Of course most introverts needing to strengthen the boundaries around their quiet time would rather just do it on their own.  But that’s not a simple order either.  How do you establish a boundary? How do you strengthen it?  How do you ask your co-workers to leave you alone this afternoon in order for you to get your work done? And further, how can you let them know this in a way that’s appropriate, professional, and doesn’t make them or you wrong? Or how about on the personal side of things.  How can you create “quiet time” in your household?  How can you let your friends know you treasure your friendship with them but don’t want to see them every weekend?

This is the stuff of life coaching, for many people.  I’ve found that behind many a work-life balance challenge lies an inadequately protected boundary of some sort.  People wrestling with mid-life challenges, time crises, and many other issues in their personal life often need, as part of their solution, to articulate or strengthen some boundaries.  Few of us ever learn how to do that from our families or at school, but it is really very learnable.

Cain’s book is a great resource for introverts because she explains scientifically and in very neutral language how we function.  She doesn’t make extroverts wrong or bad, and she doesn’t idealize introverts.  She describes and explains our differences in a way that is powerfully supportive of both and very enlightening.

Here’s a challenge. The next time you’re feeling stressed, anxious, or fearful, try writing down 10 things you’re grateful for. Or say them out loud or mentally list them for yourself. I bet you will find that by the time you arrive at the 10th item on your gratitude list, your mood will have shifted. You may not be all the way into bliss and harmony, but you will be safely out of the adrenalized stress zone and into a more neutral zone from which you can be much more effective. Plus you will just feel better.

As a life coach I’ve found this stress management tool to be quite useful, particularly for my work life balance and effectiveness coaching clients.

Why does it work?

Recent neuroscience research reveals the physiology of why we humans are not able to feel stress and gratitude at the same time.  Different parts of the brain are are deployed for each of these experiences. When we’re stressed, we’re essentially engaging the fight-or-flight response, which is handled by an ancient part of the brain, the amygdala. When this part of the brain is in use, we cannot hear the “quieter signals” of the parts of the brain that deliver insight, creativity, intuition, and other visionary functions and which, when being used, make us feel bathed in safety, well-being, optimism, and possibility.

The corollary is that when we are experiencing gratitude, we cannot in the same moment experience the fight-or-flight stress response.

You can initiate the experience of gratitude by simply doing the exercise of naming 10 things you are grateful for.  As we name the things we’re grateful for (and at a simple cognitive level you know what they are), we invoke the experience of gratitude for each thing. There is a cumulative effect: as you add to the list, you move yourself more fully into the gratitude zone, which also opens up many other good feelings. Not only are we happier in this zone, we are also more effective across the board.

Check it out. If nothing else, you will have something to distract you from your stressers.  How bad could that be?