Goals Abuse
By Sharon Teitelbaum, MA, MCC, Sharon@stcoach.com

Are you a goal abuser? Do you set ambitious goals for yourself and then relentlessly beat yourself up if you don't reach them? How is it working for you, to regularly judge yourself so harshly?

If your default habit is to use goals as a weapon against yourself, you actually might be better off without them. Or you might choose to replace your punishing habit with a more constructive one.

Let's say one of your goals for last year was to finish your book, and by the end of the year you had completed chapters 1-5 and still had chapters 6-10 to write. Which of the following ways to "hold" last year's outcome would more powerfully support your work this year?

1. I failed to meet my goal of finishing the book last year. Effective people reach their goals. I did not reach mine. I am a failure. This is shameful and terrible.
2. Last year I wrote 5 chapters of my book. I also met up with unexpected life challenges, encountered research obstacles I was unprepared for, and learned that I don't write as quickly as I used to. My plan for this year takes into account all that I learned last year, and I look forward to completing the book this year.

If you can't learn to be OK with not reaching certain goals, choose less ambitious ones. You can always over-deliver.

1. I recommend having three different kinds of goals (or intentions) operating at any given time, and only a very few of each. Have a few ambitious, compelling outcomes as goals, such as finishing a particular project or earning a particular dollar amount. These are results, and as such they are not entirely within your control. Know up front that you may or may not reach them. Their purpose is to inspire and inform your behavior. My current year goals in this category include:

   
   a. Have at least 3 new information products available on my website by year's end
   b. Double the number of my subscribers.

2. Have a few very specific and realistic behavior goals. Barring extreme life events, these are completely within your control, so you have a good shot at reaching them. My current year goals in this category include:

   
   a. Spend 60-120 minutes writing, first thing in the morning, at least 3 days a week. [This is an "underpromise." I really want to (and think I can) do this more than 3 days a week, but consistently doing it even 3 days a week would be a significant behavior change that I'm pretty sure I can pull off. I can always do more.]
   b. Work the Weight Watchers program. (These are behaviors I know I can do, but I'm still not 100%. It's challenging but realistic.)

3. Have one or two extremely do-able, very simple goals that you have no doubt you can deliver on. These are so simple they're almost symbolic. For me, this includes:
   
   a. Keep my bedroom dresser clear. (I've been doing this for about 7 years. It may sound strange, but this has been important for me.)

Here's an exercise that may be useful to you regardless of your past experience with goals. Choose an extremely easy, do-able goal, preferably something physical, like keeping one surface in your home clear for a week. Good candidates are a dresser in your bedroom or the top of your refrigerator. Don't pick something really hard to keep clear like your desk at work or your dining room table. Pick something that's pretty much a no-brainer to pull off. Clear it off and keep it clear for the week. See how it feels to have an agreement with yourself that you keep. Notice your response to seeing that clear surface every day. How does it feel? What does it reinforce in you?

If your relationship with yourself in the arena of goals is anything less than unconditionally positive, I encourage you to make a course correction. If you could use some assistance and think that short-term coaching could help, send me a few possible times you could schedule an initial consultation at no charge, and I'll get back to you.

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