Got Acknowledgement - Work-Life Balance Articles

Got Acknowledgement?
By Sharon Teitelbaum

There's a whole world of people out there passing judgment on you all the time: your clients, customers or patients, your managers, direct reports and colleagues, your board and your administrative assistant, your children, spouse, extended family, neighbors and community members.  Not to mention the salesperson at that high-end clothing store you walked out of last week without buying.  Lots of people judge you all the time, and they don't all judge you favorably.  Even if the key people in your life think you're fabulous, they might not let you know it very often.

If you have high need for acknowledgement (and many high achievers do) it's very likely that at some point in your life, you will have an acknowledgement crisis.  It might happen at mid-career, when you've stopped being a rising star.  It might occur during the years when your teenage children say ungracious things to you on a daily basis like, "You're not going out in that, are you?" or "Remind me, why would I want your advice on this?" It can happen at any time.
How would you know if you were having or even nearing an acknowledgement crisis?  It might look something like one of these situations:

• You've just led the daylong training you've become known for, it went well, and the executive who hired you to do it emails you a quick note which says, "Thanks for the terrific training!  Just what we needed."  And because you're used to more effusive and extravagant praise, you think you bombed.  You start obsessing about where and how you blew it.
• You find out that one of your long-term financial planning clients has moved her account to another firm, where her son has his account.  You are shocked, appalled, and hurt that this client, whom you have taken such good care of over the years, would leave you.  You lose sleep for a week and suffer from self-doubt..
• You have a client who keeps wanting you to re-do what you've done for him. You have now given him the 7th revision and he's still not happy.  Of the hundreds of clients you have served in the past, only 2 needed even a 3rd revision.  Instead of setting a boundary with him or in some other way cutting your losses, you now go to work on revision #8 because you're not done till he's happy. 
• Your medical chief, once again, has not funded your project.  You eat your heart out.  Was it that last conversation you had with him?  Should you have revised your proposal one more time?  Does he not KNOW how important this is to you?  You feel terrible about yourself. 

How should you deal with an acknowledgement crisis?  Here's the 2-part treatment plan. 
Part I.  First, you have to re-calibrate your expectations.

No matter how completely amazing you are, you're not going to blow everyone out of the water every time.  It's just not an option.  Nobody bats 1000, and to hold that as your standard is a recipe for a lifetime of feeling inadequate, unworthy, and like you owe people more.  Not a sustainable, happy, or profitable outcome!  

A more practical real-life model is that working at the level you're working, or doing the amount of business that you want, you'll get some A's, some B's, and some C's.  These are all passing grades, and they're OK.  Not everyone even GIVES A's.  (Think about that.)  Not everyone effuses. In fact, some people are never pleased.  Some never express appreciation.  Some have personality disorders.  You're not going to flourish in your professional or business life until you can be OK with a much wider range of results. 

Not ALL of your patients are going to love you and send you their friends and family.  Some will feel so-so about you.  Some patients will change doctors at the drop of a hat.  Their leaving doesn't make you a bad doctor. 

I'm not suggesting that you slack off.  Continue to do great work.  But know that your best work may not be absolutely transformational for everyone and that's OK.  "Off-the-charts" happens with only the most perfect matches between you and a client, colleague, patient, or project.  They are the exception and not the rule.  When you do get an A+, drink it in deeply, ask for a reference, memorize the feeling, and notice the characteristics of this perfect match.  But listen carefully because this is really important: you're not failing when you get a B. 

If your audience didn't seem to be eating out of your hand (as you've come to expect), well, perhaps this was their first exposure to the ideas you offered, perhaps those blank stares (if that's really what they were) were the faces of people working very hard internally to try on what you were saying.  And if you got resistance, well, how fascinating!  Perhaps people were being exposed to new ideas and approaches that they'd rather not have to deal with, thank you.  That doesn't make your presentation any less valuable or effective or worth what you're paid.  Ultimately, you are not responsible for their responses -- you're only responsible for putting it out there as effectively as you know how -- but beyond that, there will always be a range of responses. It's counterproductive to expect yourself to be a smash hit every time, with everyone.  

As a consumer, regarding the professionals and products I return to regularly -- overall, I like what I get.  They do not always blow me away, nor do I expect them to.  This goes for my primary care physician, my accountant, my dry cleaner, the restaurants I go to, and the make of car that I will continue buying.  What about you?  Do you give all A-pluses all the time? 

The operant term here needs to be "good enough."  Perhaps you know this term from the parenting realm?  Turns out none of us gets to be a perfect parent.  We all do an imperfect job, though we do/did our best and care deeply!  But there's an enormously wide range of what's "good enough" parenting to raise a healthy, functioning child.  "Good enough" is not only good enough, it's a sustainable strategy. 

Part II.  Second, get the acknowledgment you need.
One of the best places to get the kind of acknowledgement you need is from yourself.  Make a habit of regularly acknowledging yourself in the moment, as you "deliver" in your daily work.  A simple, quiet, note to self is often just the ticket: "Good job with that conversation.  You held the line well."  Or do it in summary form at the end of the day: write down (or say out loud as you drive home) all that you got done and all the ways you came through today. 
Are you feeling a little shaky about that new project you're launching that's a stretch for you? Draw up a bullet list of your qualifications to take this on.  Remind yourself of the ways you have what it takes. 

And, you may be able to ask some of the people in your life for more explicit acknowledgement.  But don't count on them.  

In short, if you're someone who needs acknowledgment, there's nothing wrong with you, AND, it's your responsibility to make sure you get enough of it.  Acknowledging yourself adequately is one way to get this need satisfied. 

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Copyright 2002-2008, by Sharon Teitelbaum, all rights reserved.

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