23 September 2018

Thank You For Sharing

Cat prowling for inner critic

Are you ever hijacked by a critical voice inside your head that finds fault with your work, your communication, how fast you get things done, your appearance, or any number of other things about you? A voice that’s never satisfied with anything?  You’re not alone!  Many perfectly capable, successful, and wonderful human beings are susceptible to an inner critic who berates them regularly for not measuring up in myriad ways.

But here’s the good news. There are ways to protect yourself from being thrown off course by this dynamic.  You can learn to set a boundary with yourself: you just  don’t allow yourself to be harmed by this voice.

Imagine that your brain contains a committee of voices, your very own idiosyncratic, personalized committee of voices that knows where you’re particularly vulnerable, knows what your hopes and dreams are, and seems to know all your insecurities.  We all have a committee in there.  And when we hear from the critical voices, we hear them as if they were speaking The Truth.  But that’s just a bad habit.  Your committee is just a random group of voices picked up from here and there over the course of your life . . . your mean second grad teacher, your Great-Uncle Howard, some author you read as a college student . . . you get the idea. There’s really no REASON to take their pronouncements at The Truth.

According to Tara Mohr, in her extraordinary book, Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead, not having good defenses against the Inner Critic is one of the classic obstacles to women’s reaching the level of success (of any type) they aspire to.  She devotes a whole chapter to the Inner Critic, examining its detrimental impact, the groundlessness of its content, and its seeming universality.  More important, she identifies 9 different tactics that can be used to protect oneself from the Inner Critic. She also offers some examples of what’s NOT effective in disarming it.  I can’t recommend this book highly enough!

I want to offer two favorite tactics of my own for disarming the critical voices:

  • One is to think of them as the mean Muppets in the balcony. Say to yourself, “This is just mean-spirited nonsense, and I’m not going to let it in.” Just consider it a boundary: that kind of talk is neither true nor useful, and you’re not going to allow it to touch your sense of yourself.
  • Another one (hands down, my clients’ favorite) is to hear yourself responding to them in your own voice, “Thank you for sharing.”  And follow that with, “That’s your opinion, but I’m not buying it, thank you very much. I see it differently.”  Period.  Don’t engage, don’t get into an argument. Just move on. The beauty of this tactic is that when you’re alone, you can actually say “Thank you for sharing” out loud, which is very powerful and often kind of fun!  Next time you can’t say it out loud, you can remember the sound of your own voice saying these words, which you might enjoy!

The task at hand here is to try out these tactics — mine or Tara Roth’s or someone else’s — and find out what works for you.  The more you can free yourself from the needless oppression of the Inner Critic, the more fulfilling and satisfying your life will be.

Photo by Callum Wale on Unsplash


30 June 2018

Finders, Minders, & Grinders: Who Are They, and Where Do You Fit In?

*[Photo credits at the end of the post.]

At the downtown law firm where my husband was a partner, there was an informal understanding that people who worked at the firm were one of three basic types: Finders, Minders, or Grinders.

  1. Finders
    The Finders were the people who “found” business and brought it into the firm. They networked. They knew people. They had lots of relationships. They were interested in what was going on with other people. They knew how to open a conversation and how to close business. Many (but not all) of the Finders were extroverts. Certainly there are as many introvert clients as extrovert clients (in any line of work), and many introvert clients prefer to work with other professionals who are also introverts, so there are Introvert Finders. But the typical Finder is an outward-facing person who enjoys being “out there” and knowing what’s going on with others. Finders are highly skilled at seeing and closing business opportunities.  They enjoy being Finders and are generally well rewarded for it.

2. Minders
The Minders were the people who managed the client relationship. When there was active work going on for that client, the Minder either did the work themselves or were the point of contact between the people doing the work and the client.  When there was no active work going on for that client, the Minder stayed in touch in the background, keeping the connection in place, following up on any details pertaining to past work, and generally staying on that person’s radar.  During the active phase of a project, the Minder stays in close touch with the client as the work demands, which at the height of a project can be multiple times throughout the day, or days of ongoing meetings. Happy Minders enjoy the ongoing relationships with clients and their businesses, and are grateful to the Finders for bringing in the business, which Minders may not be that skilled at or interested in learning.

3. Grinders
The Grinders were the people who were “off in the back room” grinding out the analyses and reports, working out calculations, developing projections, and otherwise doing the hard, hands-on number and data work that needs to take place behind the scenes.  They had little direct contact with the client, and their work was coordinated by a Minder.  Most Grinders like being Grinders — they enjoy the focused, direct work and the results they reach, they appreciate not having to prospect for business and learn closing skills, and they also appreciate not having to handle the client through the ups and downs of a project.

Of course many Grinders are also Minders, and many Minders are also Finders, and so forth.  Most professionals wear many hats.

But most of us, whether or not we are lawyers, naturally fall into one of these primary categories.  Do you know which of these roles is particularly compatible with your temperament?  One of these functions is likely to be more ease-full and comfortable for each pf us.  Not that we shouldn’t learn to be effective in all of them, because learning a new way of working can open doors to opportunities and satisfactions unavailable through the other functions. But generally, our inherent, natural temperament will predispose us to one of these three types of roles.

Even in professions that are very different from this business model, these inclinations apply.  For example, if you are a primary care MD, you may find that you particularly enjoy meeting new patients and getting to know them, or you may particularly enjoy the long-term ongoing relationship you are likely to have with a patient over the course of their lifetime.  Or you may be much more engaged by the after-hours research that you do as you investigate treatment options for a new client with a rare syndrome you’ve never run into before, or you may ultimately turn to research full time.

It can be extremely useful to know what you’re best at and what you most enjoy.  This allows you to make decisions that give you more of what you enjoy and less of what you don’t enjoy.  It can also help you understand what kinds of work you would be wise to delegate or hire. We can’t all do everything well, and hiring people who are highly skilled at what you are not highly skilled at is a strategy that is at the heart of many people’s personal success formulas.

*Photo Credits:
Blueberries: Photo by Kim Gorga on Unsplash
Grapefruits: Photo by Charles Deluvio 🇵🇭🇨🇦 on Unsplash
Strawberries: Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash


22 May 2018

Creating More Time: The Self-Care You Didn’t Realize You Needed

Notebook open to start planning how to create more time.

Photo by Studio Ease on Unsplash

Each of us gets 24 hours each day to use as we will.  It’s a renewable resource — the next day we get another 24 hours. But it’s not an expandable resource — you can’t get 28 or 36 hours in your day no matter who you are, who you know, or how excellent your credit score is.  So what do I mean by Creating More Time?

I mean that if your life feels like you never have enough time to get everything done, or you feel like a drone because all you do is work, you could decide to change a few habits that would allow you to feel less harried and behind. Change a few more habits and you might begin to feel like you had some breathing room and even a bit of (dare I say?) leisure.

Here are some habit changes that can make a huge difference in the felt experience of your life. Start with one that seems the most do-able and see how that goes. Then you can try another.

  1. Under-promise.  If you think you can get something done in a week, say you’ll get it done in 2 weeks.  That way, when you remember all the other things you’re responsible for this week, or when a “surprise” happens, you won’t feel the pressure.  You can ALWAYS over-deliver.  My husband and I went to dinner at a restaurant where the host told us he could seat us in about 40 minutes, did we want to wait?  We said yes.  About 20 minutes later, our “buzzer” went off — there was a table for us. The host was our hero!  He had managed our expectations, and then he over-delivered.  Even if you never over-deliver, under-promising and simply delivering what you promised is a great way to create more time.
  2. Give yourself 2 hours of “protected time” each day when you can focus on one thing at a time without interruption. Tactics that help: headphones, go to an empty conference room or a public library, don’t take email or phone calls, let people know not to interrupt you now.
  3. Start overestimating how long things will take you. Most professionals underestimate how long things will take, and then feel ineffective when it takes longer.  We can spend hours discussing how this bad habit came into being, but it’s actually not as important as learning how to correctly estimate how long things will take. Here’s an easy rule of thumb for how to change the habit: if you truly think something will take you a week, then plan for it to take at least a week and a half, maybe two.  This is a lot like under-promising, but it’s between you and yourself.  In time, you’ll get better at estimating.
  4. Get more help somewhere in your life.  At work, see if you can make the case for hiring a temp, or hiring a whole new permanent person. Delegate more effectively to people you can delegate to — stop protecting them at your own expense. Outside of work, see where you can get help with household work, yard care, food shopping, and all manner of errands.  There are apps such as Task Rabbit, Uber Eats, and Instacart that provide useful services. Neighborhood listservs such as Nextdoor.com allow people who need help to find local people who can help, for a fee (or not).  Are you using professional resources effectively or are you trying to do everything yourself: your own taxes, your own financial plan, your own will, etc?  Getting good professional help usually means there’s much less on your plate and hanging over your head, AND in most cases they’ll do a better job than you will because they’re experts and you’re not (sorry).
  5. Reduce your daily To-Do list by 2/3. Having too many items on your list day after day takes a toll on your sense of yourself as an effective person and contributes to your feeling perpetually harried and strapped for time. You can keep all your To-Do items on your master list so you don’t lose them. But on a daily basis? Get real.
  6. Stop underestimating the value of time OFF the To-Do list! See cartoon, at the top. Have you ever found a solution to a  seemingly intractable problem when you were not actually working on it?  Or had a flash of insight, intuition, or creativity when you were out for a run or reading a novel?  Our hard-driving pre-frontal cortex is not the only part of our brain that can solve problems. When we’re relaxed and at leisure, it’s easier to hear from some of the other parts of our brain.
  7. Fire your Inner Perfectionist — she’s become way too controlling. You don’t need to do A+ work in every, every, every aspect of your life. For example, try delivering a B+ job next time you have friends over for dinner and notice that you all have a good time together anyway (which is the point, isn’t it?). Or at work, consider dialing down your word-smithing — there may be emails you can send without multiple re-writes. Chances are there are some aspects of your life and work where you can be less than stellar and not lose your edge.

You may not be able to implement all of these tips, but picking a few that address your biggest culprits is a great first step.  It’s hard to escape a constant feeling of being on the edge of burnout when we are fighting the clock all day every day. Taking back some of your time is the self-care you need.


2 April 2018

Write a Self-Review

Take the time to do a self review. Woman self reflecting.

Giving yourself an annual review can be an extremely valuable and motivating process.  When you review yourself, you are both the reviewer and the one receiving the review, and the dual perspective leads to useful insights, powerful, granular acknowledgments, and strategic goal-setting.  You can do this whether or not you get formally reviewed at your place of work. Here are some ideas for questions to ask yourself, but feel free to substitute or add your own  questions:

  • What did you learn in the last year?
    • About yourself (any aspect of yourself, including new aspects or nuances of your talents/brilliance/sharpness/gifts that you witnessed or even glimpsed, your grit, your patience/compassion/tolerance, your emotional intelligence, things that trigger anger or upset, any new self-management tactics, better ways of taking care of yourself in any way, new skills including endurance, patience, tact, and any skills pertaining to your content or process expertise.
    • About the organization you’re part of, any of the people you work with, any aspect of the content you work with, your job and the professional world it’s part of, etc
    • What else did you learn in the last year, in your professional life or in the other parts of your life?  Did your golf game improve? Did you expand your relational skills, or become stronger at taking a stand? How else did you become stronger?
    • What things came up in the last year that will you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
  • What did you pull off, accomplish, DO, achieve, make happen, what crises/calamities did you avoid, what did you salvage/save (relationships, funding, etc).  These things might or might not be visible to the outside world — but you know they happened and it’s important to own them.   Many of our most important achievements are often invisible to others – all the more reason to acknowledge them.  Did you plan and take that trip to the Azores you’ve been wanting to do for the last 10 years?  Did you make peace with your ex (and if so, what insights came of that process)?
  • What are you proud of?
  • What challenges did you weather/survive/endure and how did you pull that off?  What did you have to bring forth from yourself in order to survive/endure?
  • What setbacks or disappointments did you recover from, and how did you recover?
  • Did you play more, or take better care of yourself in some other way?

Given all of the above, what would you like to take on as next year’s challenges?


20 February 2018

Using Your Time More Effectively

Using Your Time More Effectively - humming bird collecting nectar

 Photo by Andrea Reiman on Unsplash

Clients often ask, “Can you help me use my time more effectively?” These tools have helped my clients boost their efficiency.  Maybe they can help you too. I didn’t invent any of them: I just recommend them.

Time blocking
The idea here is to schedule into your daily calendar how long you want to spend on your various priorities. For example, if you want to wrap up a project that requires about 10 more hours of work, you might want to schedule a 2-hour block into each of the next 5 workdays, where you can fit it in.  When that day comes around, you’ll need to honor the implicit commitment you’re making to put in 2 hours on that project at the time it’s blocked in.

Yes, of course crazy things happen and things come up and all of that. But if you want to finish that project, time-block it into your calendar and get it done!  Some of my clients now block out all of their workdays, finding that they lose less time, spin their wheels less frequently, and are generally more productive and efficient.  They also do more of the work they don’t love when they use time blocking, which can counter the impulse to say, “Oh, I’ll do that later.” One person reports that time blocking “helps me feel less directionless trying to pick through the endless to do list.” In short, time blocking increases efficiency.

Getting things onto the calendar
Do you have items on your to do list that are just not getting done?  Or worse, do you have important tasks that are not even on your list?  In my world, if an item isn’t on my list, it just doesn’t happen. I’m not talking about things that I do automatically: respond to email, stay in touch with clients, etc. It’s the non-daily ones that can get lost: get quotes for the work we want done on our basement or write my blog post every month. Many of my clients have the same issue.  What works for some of us is to get it into the calendar. I’m writing this blog post now because it’s in my calendar to work on it today.  Writing is hard for me and I’d rather not do it at all.  I’m a big fan of what Virginia Woolf once said when asked if she liked writing.  She said, “I like to have written.”

If you have tasks you don’t do automatically, and especially for tasks that you don’t love doing, get them into your calendar like appointments, even if you have to schedule them some weeks (or months!) out. Not only does this increase the chance they’ll get done, it also takes them off your mind — you no longer have to hold onto them — which frees up your brain for more creative work.

Managing Decision Fatigue
Highly productive people limit the number of decisions they make in order to save their decision-making energy (which is finite!) for important decisions.  They often have the same  breakfast every day or wear the same “uniform” to work (Mark Zuckerberg, Barack Obama during his presidency) so as not to squander limited discriminatory powers on trivia. They save those powers for higher level decisions. Eventually, decision fatigue sets in, and they’re just not as sharp.  My clients have gotten good results from making some of their daily decisions automatic ones: what time they leave for work, what they have for breakfast, what time of day they return routine phone calls, etc, which lets them stave off decision fatigue.

Do your hardest / most important work when you’re at your sharpest.  When are you at your sharpest?  One of my super-productive clients is, in her words, “not at all a morning person.”  She starts warming up around noon, and by late afternoon (and sometimes into the evening) she is on fire. She has become very strategic about how to use different parts of her day, using her “slow brain” time to do the more routine and low-level tasks that are part of her business: filing, data entry and certain calls. As the day goes on, she moves into higher gear and does her most strategic and high level work. Maybe you’re the opposite. Plan your work accordingly so you leverage your best work time on your most important or complex projects.  Do your dull, lower level work during your off part of the day.  Better yet . . . consider outsourcing those dull, lower level tasks!  Strategically leveraging your best work energy can boost your overall efficiency.

Notice when you’re wasting time or spinning your wheels and do something else.  Take a look at the image at the top of this post. Notice the intensity of the hummingbird. That’s what we’re looking for.  If you’re meandering rather than working, call yourself on the time-wasting behavior, and stop pretending to work. Instead, ask yourself what’s going on, and then deal with it.

  • Are you completely fried from one thing or another? Then take a break, re-charge your batteries, and either get back to work, or be done for the day.  Know when you’re just done. Sometimes I don’t know that I’m done until I find myself sitting at my keyboard being basically useless. Learning to recognize when I’m “basically useless” has given me a lot more free time than I thought I had and made my work more satisfying overall.
  • Do you know how to do what you’re trying to do?  If not, figure out where/how you can get some help and then get it.
  • Are you paralyzed by indecision? Talk it thru with someone if that might help. Give yourself a deadline and meet it.
  • Are you bored by the task? Think creatively about delegating it. Tasks the bore you are great candidates for outsourcing.

Whatever is going on, address it.  You don’t have the luxury of wasting your time.  If you can’t fix it, at least stop trying to work and instead do something that will nourish you in healthy ways so that you can hit the ground running again next time you get to work.

Of course these are not the only tools that can increase your efficiency.  Find and leverage the ones that work for you.


16 January 2018

Treat the Physiology

Treat the Physiology - Frustrated Woman

Twenty-five years ago, when I was a database developer, I was completely blindsided in a meeting. I was accused by people on the client’s team of not knowing what I was doing. It was so unexpected it took me a minute or two to grasp what was happening — it was as if my mind slowed down as my jaw dropped. I have no memory of the rest of the meeting, but I remember walking out of it with my manager and standing at the elevator when she said, “I know what you’re doing right now — you’re blaming yourself. Stop doing that. You did nothing wrong. This is not about you — this is entirely political. They never wanted us doing this job and that’s what this is all about. Don’t blame yourself, and let’s hope this kind of thing is easier for our daughters.” I was deeply grateful to her, but I continued to blame myself until eventually finishing the project and moving on.

What happened for me in that meeting was a stress response. Once I was “attacked,” my physiology changed. My body was flooded with the stress hormone cortisol, and my brain went into freeze mode (my apparent choice from the cortisol-inspired menu of fight, flight, or freeze). Has this ever happened to you? You’re going about the daily business of your life when some event triggers a stress response?  You flip into survival mode, which is utterly different from your usual way of functioning.

Or perhaps a situation triggers your anger.  In response you draft an email dripping in fury and sarcasm, and maybe have the presence of mind not to immediately send it.  Once things have calmed down and you’ve reclaimed your rational and strategic self, you can revisit the letter and edit or delete it.

Or, something is said that sends you into a full tailspin. You imagine a variety of scenarios that could possibly happen and put these scenarios on rerun all weekend.  On Monday, when you bring up what was said, you find out it was not a referendum on your worthiness after all.  Instead, simply a disappointment in the way things transpired, not a reflection of your performance.  Wouldn’t it have been nice to have spared yourself the weekend of suffering?

Knowing how to calm yourself down from an emotional response is a highly important skill to have. Your effectiveness and well-being depend on it.  I’m not suggesting you ignore whatever triggered your response — quite the contrary — those triggering events very often need to be addressed.

But to address them most effectively, you need to come down from the intensity of the reaction, so that you are back in your “right mind” and can use the considerable resources of your whole brain to respond. Typically, we can’t “talk ourselves down” from the upset because it’s not a cognitive recovery.  But if we recognize what’s going on we can treat the physiology and in doing so stage a recovery.  Once returned to our normal physiology, we can be smart about how to respond to the situation.

Are there specific ways to help our physiology return to its usual state or equilibrium?  Yes.  Here are some ideas.

  • Learn to identify when this is happening to you. Often there’s a physical cue you can learn to recognize when your emotional blood pressure is rising or you’re feeling attacked, possibly one of these:
    • you can feel your face get hot or flushed
    • you feel as if you were socked in your solar plexus
    • your mind goes blank
    • time slows down
    • you forget to breathe
  • Once you recognize what’s going on, you can deploy one of many methods for treating the physiology of your own extreme agitation. Learn which methods work for you.  Here are some examples:
    • In the moment you can:
      • Do things that help you feel physically grounded, such as sensing your feet on the floor, your bottom on the chair, your lungs and ribs expanding and contracting as you breathe, the sensation of your inhales and your exhales.
      • Be sure that you are breathing — some people hold their breath when the world seems to be crashing down.
      • Tell yourself that this feels like a disaster (outrage, etc) but it probably actually isn’t as bad as it seems/feels, that you’ll survive this moment and have a chance to revisit it later.
    • Later, when you’re alone, or away from your workplace, you can do things that use your brain or body in a different but engaging way:
      • Run or walk briskly outside, dance, lift weights, or do anything physical that gets you breathing rhythmically, actively, or even strenuously.
      • Practice a breathing technique, such as the ones taught in yoga classes, including ujayi breath, pranayama breath, or left-nostril breathing.
      • Sing: along with your car radio, with friends, alone in your home or in the shower.  When we sing we become a musical instrument, and in using our body and breathing for this purpose, we subvert the obsessing mind.
      • Play a game that engages your mind in some kind of problem-solving, such as: word puzzles, jigsaw puzzles, or Tetris-like games.
      • Do a low-skill physical activity unrelated to the triggering event. I find that chopping vegetables (dinner prep) is often just the thing for me, and sometimes a real option because I work from home

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having the response or feeling the emotion. But being in the emotion isn’t the best place to respond to the situation from.

Allow yourself to have a learning curve with this whole topic. It’s new for a lot of us, and it holds a lot of promise.


5 December 2017

The Steep Learning Curve of the New Manager

various citrusWhen Joanna jumped into a supervisory role for the first time, she treated her direct reports in a way that would have been perfect if all her direct reports were exactly like her. One of them was, so Joanna’s managerial style was a great fit for this person and they did really well together. But with the 4 others on her team?  Not so much.

You’re more successful as a manager if you target your management style to the person you’re managing. Or at least understand that not everyone’s like you.

For example, some people like to have lots of check-ins with their manager along the way when working on a long-term project.  But for other people, frequent required check-ins can feel like they’re being micromanaged.  So . . . ask your direct reports how they like to be managed.  Do they like to have regular check-ins on long term projects?  If they do, then do it.  If they don’t, then don’t.  Or if they don’t, but you do, tell them up front that you need regular updates (and be specific: how often, and what level of detail). Tell them it might feel to them like being micromanaged but that’s not really what’s going on. Explain why you need it in terms that assure them that you trust in their work, but you need to be able to give your manager detailed project updates (or whatever it is).

Some people thrive on understanding how their job fits into the bigger picture of the organization’s work.  When someone understands that their data needs to be submitted in time for the visit from the Federal Compliance Officer or the Bank will be fined a lot of money — that can motivate someone to get their data submitted on time.  But for another person, the only thing that makes a difference is being told that their pattern of consistently turning in their data late or not at all will lead directly to their being fired — to be told in no uncertain terms that that behavior is a deal breaker.  YOU might never have needed to hear that as an employee.  You might have understood what was at stake from the get-go.  Or you would have understood it when you found out about the Compliance Officer’s visit.  So to you as a manager, telling them that keeping their job depends on their getting their data in on time might seem unnecessarily harsh and threatening.  But for some people it has to be that clear for them to get the message.

There are many, many ways the people you manage can be different from you.

You have to manage the actual team you have, which may include people very, very different from you.  In fact, with more organizations working with global teams, teams with members spanning 4 generations, teams with people with different native languages, and teams diverse in other ways, it’s inevitable that most people moving into greater levels of leadership will manage diverse teams.

Those of you readers who have managed well, how did you get to know the people you supervise?  Were there any great questions you’ve asked them along the way that helped you manage them better?

Here are some questions that can be helpful for the manager to ask the employee (letting them know you will consider everything they tell you, but that you are not promising to do what they ask.)

  • How do you like to be managed?
  • What’s the best way to give you constructive feedback?
  • If I’m concerned about some aspect of your performance, how should I bring it up with you?
  • How are you generally with deadlines and how can I support you in meeting deadlines?
  • What’s happening with the X project, and what kind of support do you need to meet the deadline?

Becoming an effective manager is a learning process, not a skillset to master once and have for a lifetime, like riding a bike. Allow yourself to be helped in your learning process by asking your direct reports what works for them. You’ll learn more about who you’re working with, and that’s always useful.

*Photo by Edgar Castrejon on Unsplash


13 November 2017

Getting Angry At Work

Angry Tigers Fighting

How do you handle yourself when you get angry at work?

My client Candace recognizes when she’s getting angry — she feels her face get hot, she’s aware of something that feels almost physical rising within her body, and she has the urge to erupt in some way. To blow up at someone, to pound something, to yell.  But she doesn’t do any of those things she has the urge to do.  Here’s what she does instead.  She says to herself, “Candace, you’re being hijacked by an emotion. DON’T DO ANYTHING at the moment, because it will be your physiology doing it, not YOU, the larger person who actually owns the physiology. So just hold your horses.”

When she was a moody teenager she was taught to “count to three before you blow up.”  But counting to 3 isn’t a good enough strategy if your mind is still seething from what set you off.  If you’re still telling yourself the story in which you are entitled to be outraged, to speak your mind and set the other person(s) straight.

But the problem with blowing up at work or verbally swatting someone is that it doesn’t really work. It doesn’t contribute to your overall effectiveness or your being seen as an effective person. It doesn’t result in a good correction, if a correction is what’s needed. And if you’re a leader or an emerging leader, it doesn’t contribute to the evolution of your team; in fact it’s more likely to fracture any sense of connection that exists among your team.

So Candace does not swat, yell, or express. She’s actually fully deployed internally, working with herself. She knows her most immediate job is to somehow get herself grounded and centered.To get BACK into a frame of mind that’s not laced with stress hormones and the other chemicals of anger. Back to a simpler, calmer place — not in order to be “nice,” not because the anger is wrong, but simply in order to be the most effective she can be in addressing what needs to be addressed.

She’s had a learning curve with her anger. She’s learned that her anger response is a reliable prompt to pay attention: a boundary has been crossed, an agreement has been broken, something important has gone down. And after she recovers from the physiology — which can be a matter of moments — she can use her many resources — mental and otherwise — to respond in a smart and useful way. NOT with a swat.

She now has a track record (with herself) of turning this situation around. “I know it’s actually not about me, and it’s not about the other person. It’s all about the work we do. If I can re-focus on the work — our mission, the purpose of our work — then I know I’ll find a way to say what needs to be said in terms of the work. That’s my ticket to losing the red face and becoming my larger, more competent self again.” She’s also learned to say, in the heat of the moment, “Give me a minute,” or “Let me get back to you.” This buys her some breathing room. Literally.

Curious to know more about how to interrupt the anger response?  This article has some great ideas. So does this one. (Don’t be confused, in this second article, by the use of the word “reactionary” at the end of the second paragraph. They mean “reactive.”)

Does Candace’s story sound like a fairy tale to you?  This is how one person is working more effectively with anger at work.  It may not be the right way for you to work with your anger at work — you may have to find a different way.  Could you use some help managing your emotions at work?  I encourage you to schedule an initial meeting with me to tell me about your situation and find out what I can offer you. Email me to get started.


[*Photo by Frida Bredesen on Unsplash]


17 October 2017

Body Language, Cortisol, and Confidence

Wonder woman power pose

Your Mom was right when she repeatedly told you to “Stand up straight!”  Here’s why — and  it’s not just about your appearance.

Harvard Business School professor Amy Cuddy’s extensive research reveals that changing our body posture — in the moment — changes our mental state. Check out her Ted Talk if you haven’t already.

Think of the body posture of someone who has just scored a touchdown or won an Olympic gold medal event: arms outstretched or raised above the head or hands on hips, back straight, head high, shoulders back.  We associate this body language with the experience of winning, understanding on some level that the win produces the body language.

But Cuddy has discovered that the process can be reversed.  When you assume a victory pose (or “power pose,” as Cuddy calls them) and sustain it for a full minute or two . . . your body chemistry assumes the body chemistry of someone who has just won Wimbledon — or at least of someone with great self-confidence and sense of personal power.  For more descriptions of power poses, see this transcript of an NPR podcast with her.

But that’s not all it does, as one of my Linked In connections reminded me in a response to my blog post, You and Your Lizard Brain. Body language also impacts the level of cortisol — the stress hormone — in your body.  When you spend as little as two minutes in a power pose, your stress level (cortisol level) decreases. High stress levels have been shown to impede work: we work more effectively without high levels of cortisol coursing through us. And we certainly feel better.

As Amy Cuddy herself says in this NY Times article, “Let your body tell you you’re powerful and deserving, and you become more present, enthusiastic and authentically yourself.”

A Huffington Post article sums it up nicely: “Social psychologist Amy Cuddy shares an easy way that anyone can change not only others’ perceptions of them, but the way they feel about themselves — spending two minutes ‘power posing’ with their arms or elbows out, their chin lifted and their posture expansive. Cuddy’s research, done in collaboration with Dana Carney, has shown that adopting the body language associated with dominance for just 120 seconds is enough to create a 20 percent increase in testosterone and a 25 percent decrease in the stress hormone cortisol. In other words, adopting these postures makes a person feel more powerful.”

Full disclosure, there’s also evidence that her findings are based on flawed research, and that power poses do not deliver these results.  See what you think.

But here’s what I suggest: try it for yourself.

The next time you’re about to have a difficult conversation, present to an audience, or do something else that’s a challenge think about your body posture. Before you pick up the phone, walk into the meeting, or walk out on stage, spend 2 minutes in a power pose.  Do it somewhere private so you don’t have to explain it to anyone —  even a stall in a bathroom will do.  It may feel ridiculous but it will send “good chemicals” coursing through your body — chemicals that are your friend for the next challenge.

Or better yet, start your day with a power pose every day for a week and see what happens. I promise it will not turn you into a jerk.  But it’s likely to reduce your stress levels and allow you to experience more self-confidence.


12 September 2017

You and Your Lizard Brain

When under stress your lizard brain takes over

Some situations can’t be resolved from within them. If you’re having cortisol-fueled stress response to some trigger, you’re not going to be able to simply talk yourself through it. You have to change your state of mind in order to get perspective and regain your equanimity. Then you can address what needs to be addressed. This is a key factor in stress management.

Say you’re in a downward spiral set off by an event: your great idea was publicly shot down during a meeting today, in a way that felt dismissive and mean-spirited, and you’ve been reeling from it every since. Your primitive fight-or-flight-or-freeze stress response got triggered, and your brain and body are suffused with cortisol, the stress hormone.  You are not in your “right mind.”  Your lizard brain is in charge.  And your lizard brain isn’t up to the task of helping you recover from the emotional hit you took today.

In this cortisol-laced state, you just can’t access to the range of internal resources you’re used to accessing. Your physiological response to the upsetting event is the same response your long-ago ancestors had when they encountered a sabre-toothed tiger: everything in your brain shuts down except the sense of immediate threat, and you focus on whatever you can do to save your own life. At that moment, your ancestor didn’t need sensitive, nuanced thinking — he just needed to get away from the tiger. So that’s the response that evolved: our more primitive, “lizard-brain” takes over.

The lizard brain stays in charge until your brain state changes, until you’re no longer engaged in fight-or-flight energy. But as 21st century sophisticates, we think we can effectively respond to the stress spiral by “talking ourselves down” from it.  But the reality is we don’t have the resources at that moment to do so.  Our brain and body are suffused in a cortisol bath: a physiological state unlike any other. We won’t be effective working with ourselves the way we can in a more normal state.

THIS state, the state of the lizard brain, requires something different.  First and foremost, we need to recognize it for what it is.  If some situation has flipped you out of your normal state of mind into a paroxysm of humiliation, shame, fear, anger, or other such intensely negative emotions — that’s a good indication that you’re in cortisol-land.  Once you recognize what’s going on, you can help yourself out of it.

How can you help yourself out of it? By resisting your powerful urge to do what you always do and instead choose the solution of using your brain in a completely different way. I have a friend who loves crossword puzzles and other word games. When she needs to deactivate her lizard brain, she goes to her puzzles. Working the puzzles uses her brain in ways that result in the creation of a different chemical bath, which translates into a different felt experience. Or maybe it goes the other way: working puzzles makes her happy again, and the happy brain cranks out serotonin or oxytocin, or some other happy chemical we love.  As she migrates into a calmer, clearer brain state, she becomes able to more effectively process the precipitating event from earlier in the day. And meanwhile, she’s had a break from it. She’s recovered from the physiological impact.  Now she can deal with the rest.

I learned by chance that I get relief from chopping vegetables. When in a downward spiral I would sometimes conclude that since I couldn’t get any work in that state, I might as well make dinner. And by the time I’ve finished chopping the onion and setting it to brown slowly in some olive oil in my good non-stick pan, my mood has begun to shift. And once the carrots and celery are cleaned and chopped and added to the pan — I feel OK again, even happy.  I now have perspective on what happened earlier and can figure out what action I should take, if any.

Can’t do word puzzles or chop vegetables at the office? Try leaving the building and getting outdoors for a brisk enough walk that your breathing changes. Focus on your breathing or the muscles that are firing as you walk.

Talking with a trusted person can also be a lifesaver at times like these, but it has to be a good enough friend who really understands what’s going on and what you need. You need to have some shared language and understanding, established long before the crisis.

As I’ve written in a recent post, there are many ways to change your brain state and in doing so, change the particular Kool-Aid your brain is sloshing around in, which eventually stops the downward spiral of the profoundly negative experience.

The best way to try this yourself is to come up with a real-world short list of tactics that might work for you, and plan to try them out when you recognize that your lizard brain has been triggered. See what works for you.

Does this sound new or interesting to you? Would you like some help recovering more quickly from injuries sustained in the hardball game played in your profession?  Or the interpersonal jungle that is your life?  Let’s talk.  My initial consultation is a no-fee meeting.