Resilience: Part of Your Job
Picture the scene. You have a client who’s so upset with you, she’s taking her business elsewhere. You’ve tried your best to work it out with her, but you just can’t seem to make it right and she’s gone. You’ve never lost a client before. You’re horrified, you go into an emotional tailspin, your self esteem plummets, you feel shame, and you start seeing yourself as a failure. There’s a voice in your head that’s saying something along the lines of, “You’re a loser.” The voice then goes on to document every mistake or instance of bad judgment you’ve ever made.
You may be someone for whom this tailspin can last weeks and weeks, decimating your productivity and making you miserable the whole time. Or perhaps it’s only hours. However much or little productive time you lose to emotional nosedives, it’s more time than you can afford to lose. That’s why it’s essential that you know how to recover quickly from the painful things that can happen in the course of an ordinary workday. Skills that support resilience are enormously important! AND THEY ARE LEARNABLE.
In the case of the departing client, you need to first see if this incident has anything to teach you. Knowing what you know now, would you do anything differently with this client if you had it to do again? Is there something new you would like to implement going forward, to be used with at least some clients? Identify what (if anything) there is to learn from this, implement whatever changes that result from this learning, and MOVE ON. If there’s nothing to be learned from this, just MOVE ON.
For some people, this mental exercise is enough to pull them out of their emotional tailspin and return them to a state of being balanced and grounded. For others, additional work is required to shift the mood.
Here are some of the tactics that can help get you to a more “grounded and balanced” state of mind:
- Do something physical like:
- 20 jumping jacks
- leave the room
- go for a walk — outside is best, but if that’s not a good option, walk wherever you can — inside your building is fine.
- take a couple of deep breaths
- try a one of the ancient yogic breathing technique for quieting the mind. Try this before you need it.
- Get in touch with something you’re grateful for, and FEEL the gratitude. It doesn’t work to just think it or say it or make a list of the things you’re grateful for. You have to actually FEEL the gratitude.
- Don’t engage with the voice inside your head that’s telling you want a failure you are — you can’t quiet that voice by arguing with it. Arguing just makes the blaming voice get louder.
- Do something completely distracting or delightful such as: watching cat videos or a Seinfeld episode, or whatever lightens your heart and mind.
- Talk to a very trusted friend who knows how to “talk you down” from the place of “I’m such a loser.”
I recommend trying each of these until you find one that works for you. Then use that one relentlessly every time that state of mind occurs. If none of these work, find something that does. You really only need one. And you have to really work it.
The thing to remember is that when this state of mind hits, it feels like the content of it is true and that’s what you have to wrestle to the ground. But really what you need to deal with is the state of mind. So find ways to change that state of mind and get back to being grounded and centered.
Does recovery sometimes elude you? Could you use some help developing more resilience skills? Consider working with me in a focused way to address that? Contact me to schedule an initial meeting, and let’s see if we’re a good fit to work together.
*Photo by Tran Mau Tri Tam